Beluga whale in Thames changes route after discovering price of pint in London

THE Beluga whale spotted in the Thames has changed course after finding out the price of a London pint.

The majestic creature, which had planned to check out Madame Tussaud’s and perhaps the Tate Modern, has drawn the line at paying more than seven quid for a drink.

It said: “Bloody hell, almost eight pounds for a pint? I don’t care if it is craft beer. How good can beer be?

“And crisps are nearly two quid.”

The disappointed mammal said that the excursion had also been marred by the appearance of a persistent seagull that only wanted to discuss Brexit.

The whale added: “I had to shoot a load of water out of my blowhole just to get him to shut up.”

The creature is now heading back to open water, where the daily battle for survival is still more relaxing than time in the UK capital.

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War with New Zealand over Weetabix 'doable', government advised

GOVERNMENT officials searching for a distant, easily winnable war to be Theresa May’s Falklands have declared New Zealand to be the best prospect yet. 

Civil servants have been tasked with finding ‘the perfect Tory war’ by May, and believe that the ordered destruction of 108 boxes of Weetabix by a NZ judge provides them with an impregnable causus belli.

An insider said: “Those Kiwi-fuckers have been trampling roughshod over British pride for too long. It’s time to kick arse.

“We’re dispatching all our warships, a couple of nuclear submarines and 150,000 fighting men and expect to meet stiff resistance from their 4,500 soldiers.

“By Christmas we expect to be flying the Union Jack over all their government buildings where currently the flag bears only a disrespectful quarter-Union Jack, and the natives will be taught to speak English and play our national sports of cricket and rugby.

“Our boats will return laden with exotic lamb just in time for a snap election in which Theresa May will romp home with a massive jingoistic majority.”

Briton Stephen Malley said: “Our Weetabix is our nation. How fucking dare they.”