Birth of royal baby pushes human population beyond sustainability

THE royal birth represents the population ‘tipping point’ beyond which the planet cannot sustain human life.

The arrival of the yet-to-be-named heir to the throne brought the Earth’s human population to 7,167,080,004.

However scientists are convinced the planet can only support 7,167,080,003 people.

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “By pure coincidence, the birth of the royal baby represents the precise point at which the planet enters irreversible environmental meltdown.

“The Earth is now in a  ‘death spiral’.

“Quite simply, there is no longer enough food and water. Meanwhile, human activities will continue to clog the oceans with poison and stifle the air with deadly fumes.

“Sadly, human technology is not sufficiently advanced for us to send colonists off in spaceships to search for new home worlds. Within 50 years, humanity will be over.

“And it is the royal baby has taken us beyond the brink.”

He added: “Still, it’s made a lot of pensioners and Americans very happy.”

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How to build your baby bullshit bunker

THE Daily Mash presents a step-by-step guide to hiding out until the madness has passed.

The latest royal baby has arrived and you must act quickly to safeguard your family’s sanity as the ensuing bullshit turns millions of ordinary people into maniacs.

Here’s how to construct a simple, media-proof baby bullshit bunker: 

Dig up your garden to a depth of 8ft and line the pit with sandbags. These should keep out any TV, radio or internet signals which all contain high levels of baby bullshit.

Cover the top of the pit with decking, which will make it look like a normal garden and deter any Sky reporters from visiting to ‘get your reaction’ to the birth.

Grab tinned food, bottled water and a firearm. Get into the bunker as quickly as possible, otherwise neighbours may force you to attend a celebratory tea party.

Friends or relatives may appear, desperately demanding entry to your shelter and perhaps trying to claw their way in. But it’s too late for them, they are already contaminated and are thinking about nothing except whether the baby will be called Edward or Albert. Use deadly force if necessary.

The hardest part is knowing when to emerge. Lift the decking just enough to see out and look for warning signs like bunting, commemorative floral displays and people wearing Union Jack suits with giant papier-mache baby heads.