Bristol fog smells suspiciously of skunk

THE ‘fog’ currently enveloping Bristol has a strong aroma of cannabis, it has been claimed.

Experts believe the thick haze causing limited visibility in the city may be the result of locals’ voracious appetite for hydroponically-grown sedatives.

27-year-old Easton resident Martin Bishop said: “Weather should not make me feel this lethargic and self-conscious.

“Maybe as a city it is time to accept that we are smoking too much.”

Meteorologist Stephen Malley said: “There is so much smoking happening here that it has formed an atmospheric layer blocking out the sun. I call it an ambient skunk crust.”

He added: “Nowhere on Earth do people love weed more than Bristol. In about eight years’ time the BBC will make an award-winning documentary about it.”

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How can I satisfy my desire for dirty techno whilst running the UK economy?

Dear Holly,

Since losing weight I have been rediscovering my youth somewhat by going to all night dance parties. Unfortunately, people at work have started to comment that I look a little tired around the eyes. How can I satisfy my desire for dirty techno whilst running the UK economy?

George Osbourne,


Dear George,

The people at work are just jealous they didn’t get to go to a party. At my school, when you have a birthday party, you have to invite everyone in the class, even the smelly kids, so that no poor child has to experience the pain of rejection. This means your whole house gets raided by 35 sugar-crazed maniacs who want to dance Gangnam style all over the furniture and insert Wotsits into the DVD player. Plus your mum has a nervous breakdown when she finds a human turd in her Orla Kiely sewing basket for the second year in a row.

Hope that helps,