MAGALUF, Amsterdam – seemingly everywhere in Europe has unaccountably turned against the traditional drunken British tourist. But why? 

Stephen Malley, spot welder: “Simple jealousy at the superiority of our way of life.”

Joe Turner, pharmaceutical sales: “It’s humiliating for them. They can’t take their beer, apart from the Germans, and we’re over there, 14 pints in, still able to stagger into a nightclub and order a round of Sambucas.”

Joanna Kramer, salmon farmer: “They’re especially down on our joyous, celebratory stag and hen nights. I can only conclude they’re trapped in unhappy marriages to munters.”

Denys Finch Hatton, historian: “Come over here and drunkenly urinate on the contents of our museums if you like. Joke’s on you because we nicked it all from you in the first place.”

Emma Bradford, overlocker: “Could it be to do with the war, and us winning it? I find with Europeans most things are.”