Looks not everything but they are about 95 per cent, scientists confirm

BEING handsome or beautiful is not the be-all-and-end-all of being attractive but it does account for 95 per cent, scientists have confirmed.

The discovery has validated everyone’s long-held suspicion that having an interesting personality or a stable job is practically meaningless in the face of chiselled abs or huge naturals when it comes to attracting a partner.

Dr Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “See this thin slice on the pie chart of attractiveness? That’s what your witticisms and flashy cars amount to. The rest is made up of the uncontrollable genetic lottery colloquially known as ‘good looks’.

“This isn’t a ballpark figure either. We’ve run the tests again and again and keep getting the same result. Perhaps it’s one of those odd patterns you get in nature like the Fibonacci sequence.

“Volunteer at the soup kitchen all you want, your good deeds will max out at five per cent. You’re not going to be hooking up with anyone unless you hit the gym at least twice a week and get your teeth fixed. There’s no ‘philanthropy’ category on Pornhub for a reason.

“Conversely, you may have noticed that hot people are broadly dull or unpleasant. But do you care? Of course you f**king don’t. You think that if you exist in their presence long enough then you might just get lucky. Not working out for you though, is it?”

Loveless three out of 10 Tom Booker said: “95 per cent? I would have assumed it was much, much more.”

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The French, the Belgians and other nations you're allowed to mock

TAKING the piss out of other countries is generally seen as xenophobic, but sometimes it’s fair enough. Like in these cases:

The French

France is Britain’s oldest enemy, so you’re basically honouring your ancestors who died at Agincourt by referring to them as ‘garlic-chewing, bicycle-riding frogs’. They make it so easy to hate them, with their excessive bureaucracy, hostility to tourists and unwillingness to speak English like decent folk. Anyway, they deserve our scorn to make up for the fact that we’re jealous they live in a permissive and adult society which encourages them to have ecstatic sexual adventures with their spouse, their spouse’s lover and his friend who’s in town for the weekend.

The Belgians

A country whose culture basically boils down to waffles, The Smurfs and Plastic Bertrand, there is little point to Belgium, aside from as a station where the Eurostar pauses on its way to more interesting places. Plus, they have a section of their population genuinely called the Walloons and expect us not to laugh about it.

The Italians

Brits love mocking Germany for losing a war, but the Italians have somehow managed to make us forget the fact that they were also the baddies in that conflict, possibly because they introduced us to pizza. No, the reason Italians get ridiculed as being disorganised and crap at driving is down to simple jealousy: they are all effortlessly very cool and sexy, something no British person will ever be.

The Dutch

This is primarily down to the accent. While there has never yet been a Dutch person who didn’t speak perfect English – as many an 18-year-old Brit eager to lose his virginity in Amsterdam has gleefully discovered – we can still mock. Also, they deserve extra piss-taking for filling their capital city with drugs and sex workers, only to moan that too many British tourists are coming over for drugs and sex workers. Have they met anyone from Britain? That is catnip for our famously immature and repressed population.

The Welsh

The prospect of Scotland leaving the UK has some basis in reality, but the idea of the Welsh getting adorably nationalistic and abandoning the union comes across like a five-year-old who announces they’re leaving home armed only with a pairs of socks and a packet of orange Club biscuits. Off, are you? Good luck, see you back at teatime. The jokes about sheep shagging are admittedly tired, but this is a nation so starved of genuinely attractive people that they still consider Tom Jones, a mahogany wardrobe turned sentient, as a sex symbol. Sorry, but they deserve derision.

The Paraguayans

Well, when was the last time you heard anything about Paraguay? You could tell everyone they were Satanists sacrificing British visitors and people would believe you, having never heard anything of the real habits of the Paraguayans. In fact, let’s say that’s the truth. F**k those tourist-slaying Paraguayans. They’ll probably be happy if we stay away too, as nobody likes a British holidaymaker, and rightly so.