'My new portrait reflects my desire to, as Slayer sang, Reign In Blood' says Charles

THE King has unveiled a new portrait inspired by Slayer’s 1986 album Reign In Blood, which he says ‘is the guiding light of my rule’.

The portrait, painted by Jonathan Yeo while continually blasting the ten-track thrash metal classic, shows King Charles III almost enveloped in crimson from the burning of civilisation and a rising tide of gore that drowns the world, and smiling.

His Royal Highness said: “I was no more than an impressionable young man of 38 when Slayer released this game-changing set, and it made a lifelong impression.

“From the moment I heard Raining Blood – ‘raining blood from a lacerated sky, bleeding its horror, creating my structure, now I shall reign in blood’ – I knew. That was me. That would be my model for my time on the throne.

“A comment on climate change? Yes, you can believe that if you like. Just know that the hour of reprisal is here and your time slips away. You noticed I was in military uniform? That’s more than just symbolic.

“The skies will soon be red and you’ll recognise this image as prefiguring the end times to come. But look at my avuncular face and know mine is an apocalypse delivered in kindness.”

He added: “I also like Mandatory Suicide. That’s a banger of a track.”

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'My friend has inadvertently shat upon your table': Useful phrases for Brits in Magaluf

THE uptight Spaniards are whinging about Brits having fun in Magaluf again. Here are some handy Spanish phrases to help keep relations cordial during your holiday.

No conozco ninguna ordenanza local que prohíba masturbarme en una catedral.

I am unaware of any local by-law prohibiting my being wanked off in a cathedral.

Mi amigo se ha cagado sin querer en su mesa. Tal vez quieras pasarle un trapo con desinfectante.

My friend has inadvertently shat upon your table. You may wish to give it a quick wipe with disinfectant.

Tendre los filetes de lubina cocinados en una mezcla de especias canarias. Por favor, traiga la salsa de tomate.

I will have the sea bass fillets cooked in a mix of Canarian spices. Please bring the ketchup.

Socorro! Socorro! Se me ha pegado un cangrejo al glande!

Help! Help! A crab has somehow become attached to my glans!

Lo siento, confundí a su hijo con un urinario. Tal vez no debería llevar un sombrero blanco para el sol.

I am sorry, I mistook your child for a urinal whilst intoxicated. Perhaps he should not wear a large white sun hat.

Su actitud poco servicial nace claramente del resentimiento de Sir Francis Drake por haberles pateado el culo en la batalla de Gravelines en 1588.

Your unhelpful attitude is clearly born out of resentment at Sir Francis Drake kicking your dago arses at the Battle of Gravelines in 1588.

Mi acompanante desea tumbarse en la acera.

My lady companion wishes to have a lie down on the pavement.

1,000 pesetas? No voy a pagar mil pesetas por un tubo de crema solar, maldito sinverguenza!

1,000 pesetas? I’m not paying a thousand quid for a tube of sun screen, you bloody crook!

El ultimo hoyo del campo de golf loco parece estar lleno de vomito, carino.

The last hole of the crazy golf course appears to be full of vomit, darling.

Soy un gran admirador de Picasso. El Guernica es divertidísimo, asi que me encantaría ver el película animada completo.

I am a huge fan of Picasso. Guernica is hilarious, so I should love to see the whole cartoon.

Por supuesto, no conduje una moto de alquiler hasta el mar para ver si servía de moto acuatica. Esos testigos estan equivocados.

Of course I did not drive a rental scooter into the sea to see if it would work as a jet ski. Those witnesses are mistaken.

Se de una pintoresca papelera contra la que podríamos hacerlo a lo perro.

I know of a picturesque bin against which we could do it doggystyle.

Me arrestan por mear en una fuente? No me sorprende que los fascistas ameis tanto a Franco.

You’re arresting me for pissing in a fountain? I’m not surprised you fascists love Franco so much.

Cuanto cobras por una mamada? Oh. Disfrute de su almuerzo, señorita.

How much do you charge for a blowjob? Oh. Enjoy your lunch break, senorita.

Acabas de enredarte con el tipo equivocado, porque soy de la raza guerrera del Mayor Richard Sharpe. Oh, vaya. Parece que me he caido.

You have just tangled with the wrong fellow, for I am of the warrior race of Major Richard Sharpe. Oh dear. I appear to have fallen over.