Britain driving like a bellend

DRIVING like a bit of a bellend is completely acceptable at the moment, Britons have agreed.

Due to the fact that most people haven’t set foot inside a vehicle for over two months, operating your car like a small child on fairground dodgems is to be expected.

Driver Stephen Malley said: “It’s fine if I swerve a bit and behave erratically, even whilst in stationary traffic. Normally it would be annoying but currently it’s not.

“The fact that no-one else is around gives me a wonderful sense that the road is mine alone, and I can do whatever I like with zero consequences because it’s an unprecedented time.

“Although the other day I actually saw someone else coming the other way. I had to get back on my side of the road and everything. But it’s great being able to park anywhere and I love the fact that traffic lights are optional.”

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Friends meeting in park fail to recognise each other

TWO friends who arranged to meet up in the park have been having problems recognising each other due to their overweight, unkempt appearances.

Emma Bradford planned to have a socially-distanced picnic with colleague Francesca Johnson over the weekend but instead the pair wandered around unable to spot each other for over an hour.

Johnson said: “I walked past the mad old woman with grey hair three times before I realised it was Emma.

“It turns out spending nine weeks watching telly and not looking in the mirror gives you the kind of vacant stare you’d usually associate with people who enjoy drinking meths.”

Bradford said: “I was freaked out when this rotund bag lady called my name. Fran is usually so glamorous I never would have dreamed she’d come out wearing jogging bottoms, a cardigan and Crocs.

“She told me she’s trying a new relaxed approach to life, but it was abundantly clear that she actually can’t squeeze into any of her old clothes because she’s suffering from a severe case of lockdown arse.”