Britain enchanted by birds telling each other to f**k off

BRITAIN is enjoying the wonderful springtime sound of birds singing at each other to f**k off out of it. 

Birdsong has convinced everyone the world is a marvellous place, although it is really a cacophony of furious, violent territorial threats.

Song thrush Wayne Hayes said: “I have two main songs. The first goes diudit-diudit-diudit and means ‘Set one wing in my tree I peck your fucking eyes out’.

“The other, a beautiful but sharp xixixixixi, simply means ‘I am the hardest bastard in this garden.’”

Blackbird Wayne Hayes said: “I’m known for my melodic, flutey whistle, which is basically me detailing the various atrocities I will visit on my enemies if they so much as look at my nest.

“It really is graphic to a degree you can’t imagine, like a cross between Hostel and the worst excesses of Caligula liberally spiced with the foulest obscenities.

“Anyway, I’m glad you like it.”

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Woman on Facebook wants everyone to know she is so blah blah blah

MARY Fisher has taken to Facebook to let everyone know that she is just really blah blah blah right now.

34-year-old Fisher claimed she has never been so yada yada yada and that she felt truly blessed by etcetera etcetera.

She said: “I just want everyone to know that I’m so yap yap yap right now.

“I’m lucky to have whatever in my whatever. Every morning I feel so on and so forth.

“Just wanted to share that with the people I love.”

Fisher’s friend Emma Bradford responded: “Babe, I’m so happy you’re blah blah blah.

“You deserve yap yap yap.”

Fisher’s ex-boyfriend Martin Bishop added: “I love that you’re feeling blah blah blah. Yap yap yap. Yap.”

Fisher replied: “Blah x.”

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute of Studies said: “It’s best to delete these people. Although you probably can’t because you’re somehow related to them.”