BRITAIN is enjoying the wonderful springtime sound of birds singing at each other to f**k off out of it.
Birdsong has convinced everyone the world is a marvellous place, although it is really a cacophony of furious, violent territorial threats.
Song thrush Wayne Hayes said: “I have two main songs. The first goes diudit-diudit-diudit and means ‘Set one wing in my tree I peck your fucking eyes out’.
“The other, a beautiful but sharp xixixixixi, simply means ‘I am the hardest bastard in this garden.’”
Blackbird Wayne Hayes said: “I’m known for my melodic, flutey whistle, which is basically me detailing the various atrocities I will visit on my enemies if they so much as look at my nest.
“It really is graphic to a degree you can’t imagine, like a cross between Hostel and the worst excesses of Caligula liberally spiced with the foulest obscenities.
“Anyway, I’m glad you like it.”