Britain hit by Instagram filter

THE UK’s sky was hacked with a rogue Instagram filter, the MOD has confirmed. 

The Atacama filter, popular for landscape photography, was trialled on skies in the north of England before being used over London by mid-afternoon making everything look a bit Blade Runner 2049

An MOD official said: “As with our wi-fi, banking systems and democracy, there is unfortunately a security flaw in Britain’s sky that leaves it vulnerable to foreign hackers. 

“Future attacks may include the aggressive deployment of Inkwell making everything seem starkly black and white like in the war.

“There has also been a LiveJasmin pop-up filling the sky above Glasgow for the last six days, which we failed to realise because all residents just pretended they hadn’t seen it.” 

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Time-waster parents banned from using Pets At Home as free day out

SCUMBAG parents with no intention of buying animals have been told to stop bringing their bloody kids to Pets At Home.

Bosses at the large pet shop chain confirmed that it is not a sodding zoo but a place where money is exchanged for animals.

A spokesman said: “You think we don’t know you aren’t going to be buying that terrapin, you tight bastards?

“We can spot you scumbag freeloaders a mile off. You could at least get a budgie or a dog toy.

“One mum asked if her kid could stroke a rabbit, two Russian hamsters and a Guinea pig. We even took a picture of her kid with the rabbit.

“She treated us like pet pimps then left without spending a penny. It makes you want to vomit.”

Mum Nikki Hollis said: “Every half term I take my kids to Pets At Home aka ‘the safari park on an industrial estate’. There’s even a hairy guy who work on the tills, and I tell them he’s a gorilla.”