City meadow blooms with first used condom of spring

AN area of idyllic urban parkland has bloomed with spring’s first latex sign of illicit outdoor sex, it has emerged.

Resident Carolyn Ryan was walking her dogs when she spotted the used Durex Thin Feel knotted to the branch where it had blossomed overnight.

She said: “In the country you’d look for the first bluebells or bumblebees of the year to announce the arrival of spring. But here in a city park, the first sign is when doggers deem it warm enough for a furtive quickie against an oak tree.

“These migatory shaggers spend winter humping in public toilets and parked cars before emerging as the weather improves to make glorious al fresco love within sight of sheltered housing.

“You country folk think it’s obscene to have small bags of semen scattered around the park but it’s just part of nature’s cycle. Besides, flowers are a plant’s genitals and you’re fine with them waving their erect stamens about.

“Though the effect of climate change is concerning. The first outdoor f**ks of the year used to only take place at the end of the month, but now it’s clement enough to expose your thrusting buttocks to the air at the very beginning of March.

“By 2035 this could be a year-round hook-up spot. I’d hate to see condoms force out the park’s other wonderful flora, like Special Brew cans and disposable vapes.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Conversation spoiled by boyfriend talking

A PLEASANT chat a woman was enjoying with her boyfriend has been ruined by his insistence on joining in. 

Lucy Parry was relaxing at home with Jack Browne and regaling him about an incident which happened at the office, regarding biscuits.

She said: “I explained the background for context, so he knew my position re buying the biscuits a few days before and I’d only eaten one per day and because they were individually wrapped they’d stay fresh which was good because I wasn’t getting more.

“Then out of nowhere he butts in saying ‘Anyway, talking of work’ then goes off on a tangent about himself. It was so rude. I interjected and asked how he’d like it if I cut him off in the middle of a conversation? He apologised, but then he just carried on.

“It wasn’t even interesting, something about a new role at work and a car or whatever. Well done Jack, but at what cost? A conversation and a relaxing evening ruined? Was it worth it?

“Listening is an important aspect of relationship communication. What kind of couple are we going to be if he can’t engage in a basic conversation by listening to what I have to say, and then be approving and supportive of my opinions? I leave gaps.

“Will he interrupt my wedding vows to blather on about himself? Anyway, I waited until he’d finished, gave him a look and carried on.”

Jack said: “Lucy’s really pleased with my promotion and 40 per cent pay rise. She’s going to buy me biscuits.”