Would it help if we told you to stick your pathetic 2p National Insurance cut up your f**king arse? public asks Hunt

BRITAIN has suggested to a wavering Jeremy Hunt that he could always save £9 billion by sticking his insulting tax cut up his own fundament. 

The chancellor, who never wanted this job and is not good at it, is struggling to find £9 billion to fund a promised pre-election tax cut which will not change a single vote.

Tom Logan of Chester said: “Here’s a thought, Jeremy: how about f**king off with your bullshit 2p off National Insurance and sodomising yourself with it, in a small room?

“We know the deal by now. You hand out a shit cut like you’re Father cocking Christmas and the next day every swimming pool in the country closes because of a mysterious lack of funds. And half the hospitals. And police go subscriber-only.

“What is it this time, 2p off National Insurance and upping the pension age? 2p off and selling our motorways to a hedge fund? 2p off but also, somewhere you don’t think we’re looking, 5p on?

“Or could you not bother with your pathetically transparent bribe, admit that 14 years of Tory rule in which you were intimately involved has f**ked the country, set a sensible budget and piss off early? How does that sound?”

Hunt said: “Wow, Britain, just imagine. A whole 2p.”

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Horny women drag boyfriends to three-hour lore-heavy sci-fi sequel

LECHEROUS women have dragged their reluctant boyfriends and husbands to see an arse-numbing barely-comprehensible sci-fi epic with giant worms in. 

Men with no interest in the made-up planet of Arrakis and the Fremen who live there have spent a long evening slumped in their seats because their partners are frothing with excitment about Timothée Chalamet, Javier Bardem and smooth, frictionless Austin Butler.

Helen Archer, who claims to be a Denis Villeneuve mega-fan, said: “Love those 1960s sci-fi novels. That’s why I booked us in for Dune 2 on Friday and then again yesterday.

“I couldn’t wait to find out if Paul Atreides takes revenge for the murder of his father, Duke Leto. I’d want revenge too because Leto was played by Oscar Isaac, who I really admire as an actor. Sometimes I have a quick five minutes’ admiration of an afternoon.

“On the upside, we’ll see more Bardem in this film as we delve into the mysterious prophecy of the Lisan Al Gaib. And we’ll get plenty of Timothée, of course. He’s just so talented. Did you know he’s bilingual?”

Boyfriend Joe Turner said: “Bollocks she’s into sci-fi. Her search history is all ‘Chalamet topless riding sandworm’, sometimes without the word ‘sandworm’.

“How am I meant to tease a wank out of Zendaya scowling and Florence Pugh in a windchime hat? Ah, who am I kidding, I’m half-hard already.”