Pre-drinking effortlessly dovetails into proper drinking

A GROUP of friends meeting for pre-drinks before a night out have found themselves slipping painlessly into serious drinking. 

The group met at the flat of Sophie Rodriguez to indulge in alcohol at retail prices before going out, but instead continued getting pissed and then got even more pissed.

Rodriguez said: “We got together in order to get our buzz on before heading to Loughborough’s premium nightclub, Thrustz. Yes, with a Z.

“Anyway, after several vodka and tonics, pouring large measures, listening to music we’d chosen ourselves at reasonable volume, with enough room to dance and places to sit, we decided f**k going out and got more drink in.

“I’m not entirely sure at what stage pre-drinking becomes just actual drinking, but the point of being too bladdered to follow through on plans and go out is three-quarters into a litre of Absolut in my experience.

“A realisation rippled through us that getting ratted at home offers all the benefits of clubbing, like dancing, cocktails and urinating with abandon, without the downsides like queues, high prices and being fondled by perverts. I mean, Oli is here but he’s broadly manageable.

“By 2am Lucy was doing the macarena alone with her skirt tucked into her knickers, Callum was weeping over some girl’s TikToks and I’d been sick but was trying to get a snog anyway. So it really was just the same.”

ThrustZ proprietor Roy Hobbs said: “Once people realise they can get pissed and flick the lights on and off at home our business model is f**ked. And it’s ThrustZ with a capital Z, thanks.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

We ask you: is £370 million for the government's Rwanda policy a bargain or an absolute steal?

THE National Audit Office has revealed the government’s program to relocate migrants to Rwanda will cost £370 million. At that price, are we ripping them off? 

Norman Steele, retired steeplejack: “You have to remember they’re foreigners, so £370 million is an absolute fortune to them.”

Hannah Tomlinson, registrar: “We also pay an extra £150k per person, another £120 million if we send 300, and that doesn’t include flights. Bloody hidden charges, it’s like Ryanair.”

Carolyn Ryan, letting agent: “Ah, but all that goes into a fund supporting economic growth, so it will be wisely spent by Liz Truss.”

Francesca Johnson, livestock trader: “I hope they’re grateful for that price. I expect an effusive postcard.”

Tom Logan, bookmaker: “Still, if it gets us another five years of the Tories it’s cheap at the price.”