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Freddie Krueger of British politics refuses to f**king die

THE fedora-wearing Freddie Krueger of British politics is back for the seventh in his hate-filled series of representations to parliament. 

The leering, malevolent character, who has been repeatedly slain but always comes back, has once again stepped straight out of the nightmares of vaguely left centrists to take a seat in a by-election.

Evil eyes glinting beneath his trademark hat, the serial villain has once again leveraged unspoken resentments and hidden hatreds to give himself power which he will use entirely for his own ends.

Political scientist Denys Finch Hatton said: “He’ll be beaten, of course. Very likely in the general election in the third act of this year. But it won’t kill him.

“Sooner or later there’ll be a by-election and he’ll pop up like he hadn’t been shot, set on fire, destroyed with holy water or exploded, blame America for everything and f**king win again.

“If Celebrity Big Brother can’t destroy you then you can’t die. We will suffer this curse unto the tenth sequel where he’ll be fighting Nigel Farage in space.”