Daily Express readers still stranded in six feet of imaginary snow

DAILY Express readers are spending another day trapped indoors by imaginary snowdrifts.

It is the fifth year running they have had to endure imaginary miserable weather worse than the great 1947 freeze.

Tom Logan, 67, said, “We’ve shut our curtains to keep in the warm and are living on tins of baked beans. I imagine snowploughs will be out in force soon but we’ve heard nothing – thanks to Diane Abbott.

“Fortunately, despite the terrible conditions, they’re somehow managing to deliver the Daily Express every day so we’ve got a lifeline to what’s actually going on in the world. All the radio and TV stations are down, I shouldn’t wonder.”

Logan referred to an imaginary ‘spirit of the Blitz’ which he said was helping to sustain his own household and an imaginary, resilient English community.

He also said that this would show imaginary scrounging migrants precisely the sort of stern stuff the English were made of.

Meanwhile, Logan castigated an imaginary liberal elite for upholding imaginary health and safety conditions which were somehow responsible for their imaginary predicament.

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How to avoid Star Wars spoilers by being a grown-up and caring about grown-up things instead

ARE you worried about spoilers for The Last Jedi? Here’s how to care about normal adult things instead.

Avoid the internet

Stay away from any Star Wars forums and instead maybe start learning a foreign language that you could then teach your son when he’s old enough. Or you could teach him one of them made up Star Wars languages and see how far that gets him in life.

Accept that it’s essentially a kid’s film and there will be another 30 of them coming in the next few years anyway because that’s how Disney does these things

Every month dozens of new films for adults are released. Actual grown-up films that don’t have talking penguin things in them. You could try watching one of those instead.

For fuck’s sake, grow up

Grow the fuck up. You had the toys when you were a kid, but you’re old now so just get a grip.