Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Remember, if you stare at The Abyss for too long, it’s probably because you’ve got the director’s cut blu-ray.
Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Your Classics exam goes badly when you describe the religion of the ancient Greeks as an ‘Apollo Creed’.
Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
Chrissie Hynde likes to sing “Nothing you confess can make me love you less” but when you tell her you like to shoot at dogs with an air rifle she goes proper mental.
Aries (21 MAR-19 APRIL)
Celebrity Aries include Zoella and Tyler Oakley. Your star sign is now internet-only.
Taurus (20 APRIL20 MAY)
You know your sign comes from like a weird old story about a woman doing it with a bull, right? Yeah that wouldn’t happen now.
Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
An absolutely cracking week lies in store for Scorpio, which is a shame for you as you’re a Gemini.
Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
This is no time to panic. 7:42pm on Thursday, that’s the time to panic.
Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
A bad start to the week as you realise you messed up your appearance on Celebrity Big Brother by mistakenly entering a different house full of imbeciles.
Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Plans to bankrupt a casino fail on Friday as they refuse to let you use a Pop-O-Matic at the craps table.
Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
You woke up early today, so had time for a quick ‘revenge reshuffle’ before having a shower and heading to work.
Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
For 2016, you’ve vowed not to get involved with any unholy attempts to re-animate the dead by use of science or necromancy. It’s a great vow because it sounds impressive but is amazingly easy to carry out.
Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
I ain’t say this, but Libra been disrespecting your crew. You gotta step to them.