Dog carefully plans most awkward place to lie

A LABRADOR is carefully plotting the sleeping spot that will cause maximum annoyance.

Doncaster-based dog Roy Hobbs said: “It is all about angles and spatial awareness. I’m looking for a natural chokepoint. Ideally anyone going around me would smack their shin on the coffee table.

“I’m also leaning towards that square of carpet near the bottom of the stairs that will let me partially block the doorway to the kitchen.

“You need to keep your concentration, then when somebody steps over you, yelp like they stamped on your ear and leap to your feet. If you time it right you can easily get one of them to spill a hot drink or fall over.”

Hobbs added: “Humans think we are their friends, but we resent their patronising behaviour and seek to injure them.”

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Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Remember, if you stare at The Abyss for too long, it’s probably because you’ve got the director’s cut blu-ray.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Your Classics exam goes badly when you describe the religion of the ancient Greeks as an ‘Apollo Creed’.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
Chrissie Hynde likes to sing “Nothing you confess can make me love you less” but when you tell her you like to shoot at dogs with an air rifle she goes proper mental.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APRIL)
Celebrity Aries include Zoella and Tyler Oakley. Your star sign is now internet-only.

Taurus (20 APRIL–20 MAY)
You know your sign comes from like a weird old story about a woman doing it with a bull, right? Yeah that wouldn’t happen now. 

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
An absolutely cracking week lies in store for Scorpio, which is a shame for you as you’re a Gemini.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
This is no time to panic. 7:42pm on Thursday, that’s the time to panic.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
A bad start to the week as you realise you messed up your appearance on Celebrity Big Brother by mistakenly entering a different house full of imbeciles. 

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Plans to bankrupt a casino fail on Friday as they refuse to let you use a Pop-O-Matic at the craps table. 

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
You woke up early today, so had time for a quick ‘revenge reshuffle’ before having a shower and heading to work.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
For 2016, you’ve vowed not to get involved with any unholy attempts to re-animate the dead by use of science or necromancy. It’s a great vow because it sounds impressive but is amazingly easy to carry out. 

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
I ain’t say this, but Libra been disrespecting your crew. You gotta step to them.