Dolphins slag each other off

DOLPHINS have been observed displaying two-faced behaviour.

Researchers studying dolphins’ advanced speech patterns found the mammals are very nice to each other until one of the group swims off.

Professor Henry Brubaker decoded the dolphin’s clicking sounds: “When they’re together in a pod, dolphins are all complimenting one another, like ‘Loving your fins’, or ‘Your blowhole is really well-positioned’.

“But as soon one of the group leaves, they’re putting the boot into them, saying how they fucked a manatee or they’ve got a fat tail.

“Behind that creepy fixed smile the species has absolutely no integrity. They’re just dreadful.”

Dolphin Nikki Hollis said: “The ocean’s a really bitchy place, especially if you’re a young attractive female dolphin.

“Whatever you’ve heard about me and a sea cow is so not true.

“One of the other females said that but only because she is a hot mess who has sex outside of breeding season.”

As other female members of the pod arrived, Hollis was heard greeting them with a series of fake, exaggerated whistling sounds.

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Words 'Royal' and 'baby' only acceptable in potato context

BRITONS have been told to stop using the words ‘Royal’ and ‘baby’, to avoid destroying them by overuse.

Anyone using those terms for anything other than potato description will incur an £800 fine.

A government spokesman said: “We need to make the euphoria from this event last as long as possible because we can’t afford another Olympics.

“Therefore, we ask ordinary people to reserve the use of the R-word and the B-word for David Cameron’s exclusive use unless they’re in the market for Jersey Royals, baby potatoes or indeed King Edwards.

“The public has been asked to avoid the phrase royally screwed, the use of the word baby as an endearment and any use of the word king.

Chef Julian Cook said: “Does this include ‘king’ as in, ‘stinking’, ‘bollocking’ and ‘fucking’?

“If so that is unacceptable and will make communicating with my kitchen team virtually impossible.

“Diana would not have banned swearing, she was a woman of the people who understood cursing.”

Following the ban, BBC’s Royal correspondent Nicholas Witchell is communicating his reports to camera by combining sign language, mime, and subtle-but-complex eyebrow movements.

The government spokesman said: “Additionally, anyone who wishes to use the term ‘parasite’ is only permitted to do so when discussing Leptinotarsa decemlineata, the Colorado potato weevil.”