Feral sourdough starters spotted on moors

ABANDONED and unwanted sourdough starters are attacking sheep on remote moorland, farmers have warned. 

The starters, which were the darlings of the middle-classes before being dropped the moment they could leave the house again, are roaming countryside hungry for prey.

Dartmoor resident Norman Steele said: “My dogs were barking in the yard last night. When I went to check on them there was a trail to the fence, and the fence had a hole in it. Usually the dogs do anything to get out but they wouldn’t go near it.

“There was a stink of fermented yeast in the air, trails of gloopy white on the ground, and when I tried to follow it the sinister sound of bubbling only got louder. I fled, terrified for my life.”

Experts believe as many as 2,000 sourdough starters were released into the wild and, thriving in the damp conditions and driven mad by not being posted on Instagram, have turned feral.

Farmer Roy Hobbs said: “I’ve lost three chickens in the last week. I check on them in the morning and there’s just a pile of feathers, a beak, and the smell of organic rye flour and pointless aspiration.

“Thing is, these starters have no natural predators. And they’re only getting bolder.”

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Six tattoos commemorating the coronavirus lockdown you can get today

WORRIED this unique year of deprivation and confinement may fade from your memory? These six tattoos will ensure the coronavirus experience stays with you:

The Chinese for coronavirus

This beautiful character would look gorgeous on the nape of your neck and remind everyone of this magical time. For the more sentimental, get your favoured brand of crisps or spirits translated and inked to remember what most helped you suffocate your feelings.

Your favourite piece of furniture

Instead of Angkor Wat or Tierra del Fuego or some other exotic location you visited while travelling, get a permanent record of the place you spent most of 2020 in, ie your sofa, bed or garden shed.

A bog roll

Coming out the other side of this adventure, it’s important we remember to appreciate the things we might once have taken for granted. Glancing down at your forearm and seeing a bog roll stare back at you keeps you humble and connected to what really matters.

Rishi Sunak

Either the incredible chancellor who saved Britain or another of the stars of Britain’s favourite tea-time viewing, like debonair Matt Hancock, vein-pulsing Dominic Raab or furious-at-the-incompetence-she’s=projecting-on-others Priti Patel. Who would look better on your upper thigh?

Eyes on your eyelids

This way you’ll be able to continue your new napping habits even when you’re back working in the office again! Also, if you’ve got children, when the second wave hits you’ll be able to sleep your way through looking after them 24/7 and they’ll never know.

Keep 2m distant

Get this bold backpiece and nobody will ever come close to you again, apart from all the people who routinely ignore it in every supermarket, on every pavement, and in every other public space.