THE hosepipe bans coming into force will give Britain’s most annoying citizens countless ways to be pedantic bastards and tinpot Hitlers. Here’s how they’ll make the most of it.
Being rule-obeying jobsworths
Nothing brings out the curtain-twitchers like a government ban. Step into your garden with a glass of water and you’ll feel the glare of jobsworths itching to grass you up if you spill a drop. Check for the glint of binoculars in their bedroom. The joke’s on them though, because water from the inside tap is fair game. You know because you checked the rules. Twice.
Turning it into a competition
Gardens are vicious suburban arenas for passive-aggressive one-upmanship. Your neighbours will mournfully lament that their lawn is much more parched than yours, even though it’s only a couple of feet away. And when the ban’s over they’ll show off their top-of-the-range hose that will leave you brooding about being a failure in life for several days.
Protesting, for some reason
It wouldn’t be a crisis without a rabble of morons making misspelt signs and marching in London. They won’t have a clear agenda, the ‘Covid is a hoax’ twats will turn up, and for some reason the Churchill statue will be dragged into it, with the Daily Telegraph claiming it’s a blow for freedom against woke fascists, or something. Regardless, Piers Corbyn will be there leading the charge.
Not giving a f**k
The half of the population who aren’t pedants simply won’t give a toss. They’ll proudly douse their garden with hose water in the middle of the day for all to see, and somehow their blithe attitude will see them through. It’s only annoying because if you tried to pull a similar stunt you’d be fined instantly. That and the fact there’s now no water at all and you might die.
Being totally illogical
When the ban is lifted, ‘sceptical’ Brits will be wary to turn the taps back on. After all, they don’t know where this so-called ‘water’ comes from. Or they’ll immediately binge on water despite there being a genuine crisis two days before. Another subset of dunces will set up umbrellas and plastic sheets to protect their lawns against rain, for reasons only known to themselves.