Flowers pissed off about being back at work

THE arrival of spring has left Britain’s flowers feeling miserable about returning to work, they have revealed.

Although humans are delighted to see them blooming again, flowers are uninspired by their tedious daily routine of sucking up nutrients, photosynthesis and being hassled by insects.

Daffodil Wayne Hayes said: “After the winter break it’s really hard getting back into the swing of things. I came out of the soil this morning and straight away wished I was still tucked up in my bulb.

“There’s loads on my to-do list – spreading my roots, opening my petals, waving gaily in the breeze.

“The worst thing is all the office politics in the flowerbed. Today I heard a bunch of lupins bitching about the roses getting all the greenfly spray and I was like, ‘Get a life, plants!’

“Soon I’ll have to start doing all that ‘meet and greet’ bullshit with bees. They’re pushy little bastards because the hives give them honey on commission, but it’s the only way to get pollinated.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Duncan Smith in desperate bid to avoid his own reflection

IAIN Duncan Smith is today trying desperately to drown out the voices in his head and avoid seeing himself in a mirror.

Following his dramatic resignation, Duncan Smith has noticed that during quiet moments on the toilet or cleaning his fingernails with a dagger there appears to be somebody screaming inside his skull.

He said: “I may take up drumming or riding a motorbike with a knackered exhaust – basically anything loud enough to replace this howling vortex I’d never noticed before.

“Whenever I hear the voices I start shouting ‘but I’m so compassionate!’. It doesn’t seem to work.”

As well as pursuing noisy hobbies, Duncan Smith’s home and office have been fitted with surround sound speakers that will blast out 180bpm Belgian happy hardcore when needed.

He added: “Some disability claimants have suggested I drive a red hot knitting needle into my ear canal, which was very considerate.”