Global Warming To Bring Cannibalism To South East

CLIMATE change will transform the south east of England into a steaming jungle filled with giant snakes and marauding tribes of blood-thirsty cannibals, scientists have predicted.

Researchers at the Institute for Studies have warned that unless carbon emissions are reduced Essex and Kent will resemble the darkest reaches of Amazonia, probably in about 18 months time.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: "First will come the mosquitos. They will be huge, about the size of a crow. Then the giant snakes will arrive to feast on the mosquitos.

"Within months towns including Colchester, Ashford, Gravesend, and possibly even Braintree, will be little more than mangrove swamps. However, local rail services should be unaffected."

He added: "Before long the populations will be reduced to primal savagery. Unable to grow crops on the dark jungle floor they will raid each others settlements with the victors feasting upon the flesh of the vanquished.

"The strongest tribes, driven on by their insatiable lust for human flash, will soon descend upon the slow, fat people of Hampshire."

Meanwhile doctors are warning that fewer old people will die as a result of rising temperatures.

Dr Wayne Hayes, of the British Medical Association, said: "Warmer winters will mean more OAPs I'm afraid."

He added: "If you feel that your local community is being overrun, then it might be an idea to nudge one of them under a bus."

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'Bastard Chinese Tried To Poison Me' Says Indiana Jones

INDIANA Jones, the eminent archaeologist, has condemned the Chinese as a 'gang of no-good scumbags' claiming they tried to poison him in a Shanghai nightclub.

Dr Jones said he had agreed to work with a group of Chinese businessmen to recover the ashes of Nurhachi, a Ming Dynasty emperor, in exchange for an undisclosed six figure sum.

Launching a compensation claim, he accused former business partner Lao She of breach of contract and acting like 'the worst kind of thug'.

Dr Jones said: "I arrived at Lao She's nightclub, on time and smartly dressed, expecting to be paid in full for, what I felt, was a job well done.

"I enjoyed a glass of champagne but declined the offer of caviar as I have been having a bit of acid reflux recently.

"Anyway, it quickly became clear that he had no intention of paying me and had instead decided to poison me. I know this because, for some reason, he told me.

"I have to admit, if I was going to poison someone I wouldn't then tell them I had done it and bring a bottle of the antidote with me – but that's beside the point.

"After a really, really painful 20 minute struggle I was able to escape with my young assistant and an annoying blonde woman with fantastic tits."

Dr Jones said he and his companions were then forced to flee to Northern India where he spent several days involved in a series of incredibly painful fights with an army of turban wearing madmen.

He added: "If anyone knows what 'kalimar' means, can they please write to my office?"