Kaplinsky To Simulate Fellatio On Five News

NATASHA Kaplinsky will start each bulletin by staring straight into the camera and slowly sucking on her pencil as the new £1 million-a-year face of Five News. 

Station bosses have asked the newsreader to end each item by flicking her tongue around her lips, arching her back, and then cupping her breasts in her hands and moving them alternately up and down.

Kaplinsky said: "I was not sure at the outset it was such a good idea, and I am really not interested in the £1 million, but in the end I thought I would just do it anyway."

The glamorous newsreader will present the bulletin in nipple tassles from inside a giant champagne glass, or with her legs astride a chair while wearing just a diamante thong.

She said: "I really prefer a more formal style and I am not at all interested in the £1 million but when they asked me I thought it was probably best not to make a fuss."

The former BBC anchor also revealed she was uneasy when she learned Five bosses wanted to rename the bulletin Five News with Natasha Kaplinsky – Imagine Your Cock in Her Mouth.

"It was not my idea and I do feel a bit nervous about it. Nor am I really that bothered about the £1 million, but in the end I felt I should be professional about it," she added.

Kaplinsky will deliver upbeat items by shouting them out as she is fired across the studio from a canon while wearing a Wonder Woman suit.

If she has to deliver sad news involving dead children or injured pets, two researchers will stand either side of her and gently pull down the corners of her mouth.

She said: "Do you want to rub my knockers? It's £50, or £75 if I take my top off."

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Stop Trying To Make Our Heads Explode, Say Teenagers

CAMPAIGNERS are calling for a ban on a hi-tech, ultra-sonic device which causes teenagers' heads to explode.

It is claimed the ExplodoMax2000™ crowd dispersal unit discriminates against young people because it emits a special frequency which makes their heads detonate instantly.

Wayne Hayes, from Liberty, the pro-Iran civil liberties group, said: "Teenagers have a right to stand outside shops and express themselves with saliva.

"Perhaps the shop owner should try getting to know them before he installs a machine designed specifically to make their heads explode."

But Denys Hatton, from the Federation of Small Businessmen, said: "I never thought I'd see the day when it was illegal to use ultra-sonic devices to blow-up children's heads.

"Some people are worried about the mess, but I'll tell you this: it's much easier to step over the bodies of a few headless teenagers than it is to push your way through a crowd."

The government is now assessing a range of alternative dispersal methods including grenades, ravenous polar bears, and a special audio device which plays Fields of Gold by Sting over and over again.

A Home Office spokesman said: "The Sting option is very effective at dispersing teenagers, but you then attract large groups of emotionally vulnerable, thirty-something women as well as the men who are trying to shag them.

"We'll probably just go with the polar bears."