Nokia Unveils Pointless Thing

MOBILE phone giant Nokia has pledged to make pocket maps obsolete with the launch of a map that fits in your pocket.

Maps 2.0™, to be installed on the latest mobile handsets, will feature tiny, illegible writing and is guaranteed not to work when the battery is flat.

The company said the traditional printed 'A-Z', with its clear lettering, concise, booklet format and ability to function without a power source, will soon be pulped and recycled as instruction manuals for Maps 2.0™.

Ari Toivonen, Nokia's head of pointlessness, said: "We want people to think of street maps as those large, awkward Ordnance Survey things that you can never fold up properly.

"The sort of thing Peter Sellers would have had all kinds of problems with in a Pink Panther film."

He added: "Do you want to flip open your phone and start mapping, or do you want to flail about like some incompetent French detective?"

With Maps 2.0™ all you have to do is find 'Map' which can be found in 'Accessories' which can be found in 'Settings' which can found in 'Profiles'.

For model numbers beginning with 'N' it can be found in 'Your Favourites' which can be found in 'Your Phone and You' which can be found in 'Functionosity'.

You then simply type in the name of the street using the incredibly small keys, wait for 90 seconds and then try and work out where you are going using the incredibly small screen.

Mr Toivonen said: "It works even better if you can stop a random stranger and ask if they know the post code for the exact spot where you're standing."

As the screens are not waterproof, Nokia is reminding British consumers not to use the map when it is raining.

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More Women Having Lunch On Petrol Forecourts

RECORD numbers of women are having lunch on petrol station forecourts after filling up their cars with fuel, new research reveals.

The average time each woman spends parked next to the petrol pump after refuelling has risen from 45 minutes last year to an hour.

The only group staying longer are pensioner couples, who have just voted the petrol station their favourite picnic destination for the fifth year in a row, according to Saga magazine.

Nikki Hollis, 26, said she liked to lunch at her local petrol station because she could park without having to do any reversing and it sold three different sizes of Dairy Milk.

She said: “You can flick through a Heat magazine while you are eating, down a glass or two of Zinfandel, and there's still plenty of time to touch up your make-up in the rear view mirror.

“And if you forget something, it's okay, because the shop is right there.”

Elderly driver David Jackers said he discovered the joys of sitting at the petrol pumps after waiting an hour for his wife Enid to come back from the toilet and a browse in the shop.

He added: “They are lovely spots even if they do get a bit busy sometimes.

“But everyone is so friendly, they honk their horns at us and wave, and at our age the toilets are a godsend.”

Tom Logan, 43, a photocopier salesman from Dundee, said: “What are you waiting for? What THE FUCK are you waiting for?” 

He added: “Move. Move. Move. MOVE! FUCKING. MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVE!”