Hosepipe ban conversation ban

COUNCILS across the south east have introduced a blanket ban on having an opinion about the hosepipe ban.

The measure was introduced after experts warned the early onset of spring had caused a sharp rise in tedious conversations about not being able to wash an Audi.

The situation has been exacerbated by an unusually vapid winter, leaving conversational topic reservoirs dangerously low. Patrons at the Old Bear in Sevenoaks have had nothing interesting to talk about since last October, when regular Bill McKay walked in carrying a severed arm.

Environment Agency officer Tom Logan said: “We’re asking people to recycle their old chats wherever possible. For example, they can reuse their little speeches about global warming being a total scam to make people buy those poxy lightbulbs, over and over again.

“Also, they could just refrain from voicing every half-arsed opinion that forms in their microscopic brains and try shutting the fuck up for a change.”

Homes in the affected counties will be sent a leaflet outlining the scope of the hosepipe ban conversation ban, which will also cover accusatory comments about how green the neighbour’s lawn is looking and questioning why the council installed that bloody meter in the first place.

But Rochester resident Wayne Hayes vowed to flaunt the ban by erecting a large billboard in his front garden asking how come the bloody Arabs have all got golf courses when they live in a bloody desert.

He added: “If Kent County Council think they can stop me making a direct connection between the lack of rainfall and unfettered immigration they must be clinically insane.”



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Bez on standby for Bond theme

BEZ, the maraca player for the Happy Mondays, has declared his readiness to compose the score for the new James Bond film.

Although he has not been formally approached, the goggle-eyed percussionist said the trend towards film music being composed by rock musicians now meant he was the obvious choice for Skyfall.

He added: “Bangin’.”

Bez is already working on a ‘Bondchester EP’ including a potential theme song entitled The Spy Who Was Fuckin’ Sorted.

His name’s James Bond and he’s a well suave gentleman/His suits are Armani and his car is fucking mental, man.

He’s licensed to kill, all the other spies dread him/So if you ever meet him, best not do his head in.

“Then there’s a fifteen minute maraca solo.”

He added: “Realistically, it’s between me and MC Tunes. I ran into him yesterday in the cash and carry and he’s laying down some proper mental shit.

“‘Ave it.”