PLANET Earth is celebrating after a major breakthrough in its battle against the deadly humanity virus.
Earth has spent millions of years trying to eradicate the bipedal plague that had been multiplying uncontrollably on its surface.
Humanity had developed a resistance to custom-made diseases like the plague, but Earth believes this has almost been overcome.
The planet said: “Beating antibiotics is a big breakthrough and I’m really excited about getting rid of these fuckers.
“I had hoped that we could co-exist but then they started drilling into my crust and it was really incredibly itchy.
“I’ve developed these kick-ass new bacteria, they kill humans in the most horrible ways imaginable with loads of spurting and wailing.
“But you can’t be sentimental about it, it’s not like they’re fully sentient or anything.”
Earth added: “Apparently not all humans are bad. The right sort of ‘friendly humans’ can contribute to a healthy ecosystem.
“You get them in special yoghurts.”