Ferguson able to receive visitors

A DISTRAUGHT Alex Ferguson is slowly recovering from his attack of the vapours.

After the unconscionable behaviour of Real Madrid and the actions of a beastly little Turk, the 71 year-old Glaswegian wallflower has taken to his bed. Man United doctors say the manager has been quite bereft ever since and describe his current condition as fragile.

Assistant manager Mike Phelan said: “It’d break your heart to see him, clutching the coverlet of his bed, looking at me with those pleading, rheumy eyes and mouthing the word ‘why?’ over and over again.

“He looks like some frightened fawn that lost its mother, assuming its mother had mated with a particularly rough-looking bull mastiff.”

Ferguson has been able to drink some weak hibiscus tea since Tuesday but has still eaten nothing more than a few thin cucumber sandwiches with the crusts cut off then deep fried in batter.

Manchester United has pleaded with UEFA to overturn the red card given to Nani for bravely attempting the world’s first foot-based heart surgery in the hope it will raise Ferguson’s spirits enough to at least shout weakly at a reporter.

Meanwhile, players have started visiting their manager to try and help mend his shattered heart, with captain Rio Ferdinand raising a thin smile by reading some Walter Scott poetry.

Phelan said: “I simply don’t understand why anyone would want to hurt such a beautiful, simple creature like Alex who wants nothing more than to belligerently demand the world do his bidding.”


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I've realised Justin Bieber is an utter jobby-head

Dear Holly,

I think I have fallen out of love with my husband. It’s a sad realisation, but it cannot be ignored that he is an enormous git. Is it ok if I just stop returning his calls?



Dear Janine,

I know how you feel. I was in love with Justin Bieber until I realised he is a total and utter jobby-head. Once I was a devoted Belieber, spending every waking hour looking at Justin’s Instagram feed, swooning over endless photos of him looking like a lesbian on a Segway. It didn’t matter that he was into Jesus, I just wanted to throw myself on him and lick his enormous purple 80s sneaker boots and gasp in love-struck awe at his zebra print leisure pants. But then he started getting all huffy on Twitter and wearing gas-masks and playing his Gameboy when he was supposed to be performing. All of a sudden the global Bieber love spell was broken, and we all saw him for what he was: a massive Canadian tit. If you look at it like that, he’s no different from Bryan Adams, and that is the most chilling thought of all.

Hope that helps,