John Lewis bonus paid in garlic presses and glass paperweights

JOHN Lewis has announced that its 17% staff bonuses will be paid in the form of non-essential household accessories.

According to the store, this will allow staff to enjoy an upper middle class lifestyle despite working in a shop.

Workers are taken into a Chamber of Improvement and allowed to choose from a range of melon ballers, egyptian cotton napkins and tea light holders, all with a stainless steel finish.

Bill McKay, an in-store Christmas elf, said: “John Lewis is very good to us. Well, we never actually see him – he’s locked behind a special partition and sort of booms at us from a loudspeaker, but we gather he’s a very kind if slightly overbearing giant.”

“Working here and having access to high quality ornamental goods has made me a better man. Time was, if someone gave me a knife I’d have gone out stabbing with it.

“Now I check for a hallmark and admire any detail on the handle first”.

Nikki Hollis, the store’s Head of Gently Condescending Services, said: “We give our workers the chance to dream of a better life.

“Well, obviously not one with tigers and swimming pools or anything. Just the chance to warm a croissant on a specially formulated toaster extension rack.”



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'Mum hair' actually designed to ward off men

MIDDLE-AGED mothers get that ‘interesting’ short haircut so men will leave them alone, it has been confirmed.

Mary Fisher, 49, said: “I’m not an idiot, I am fully aware that my hair is now identical to that of a dinner lady. Clearly you all thought I’d lost it because of ‘hormones’.

“Actually I just wanted divorced men to stop hitting on me in the supermarket. I think this sends out a pretty strong signal.

“To hell with all this ‘Milf’ nonsense, I’ve worked hard and now I want to sit around reading Rose Tremain books without anyone trying to fuck me.”

The inevitable short haircut, which is commonly described as ‘nifty’, ‘different’ or ‘youthful-looking’, typically happens to mums at around the time they get really into gardening.

54-year-old Emma Bradford said: “It’s like the female equivalent of disappearing into a shed.

“Once we’ve made the decision, us mums go to the hairdresser, nod grimly and say ‘do it’.

“It’s a big deal, almost like a tribal rite of passage. Once you’ve got ‘mum hair’ there’s no turning back.”