JOHN Lewis has announced that its 17% staff bonuses will be paid in the form of non-essential household accessories.
According to the store, this will allow staff to enjoy an upper middle class lifestyle despite working in a shop.
Workers are taken into a Chamber of Improvement and allowed to choose from a range of melon ballers, egyptian cotton napkins and tea light holders, all with a stainless steel finish.
Bill McKay, an in-store Christmas elf, said: John Lewis is very good to us. Well, we never actually see him – hes locked behind a special partition and sort of booms at us from a loudspeaker, but we gather hes a very kind if slightly overbearing giant.
Working here and having access to high quality ornamental goods has made me a better man. Time was, if someone gave me a knife Id have gone out stabbing with it.
Now I check for a hallmark and admire any detail on the handle first.
Nikki Hollis, the stores Head of Gently Condescending Services, said: We give our workers the chance to dream of a better life.
Well, obviously not one with tigers and swimming pools or anything. Just the chance to warm a croissant on a specially formulated toaster extension rack.