You are not a PhD astrophysicist

JUST watching a lot of BBC4 does not make you a qualified astrophysicist, it has been claimed.

Astrophysicists raised the issue in response to people confidently using terms like ‘event horizon’ and ‘Hawking radiation’ in the pub.

Dr Julian Cook said: “You might think you sound clever going on about string theory, but your ideas are just a loose summation of things read out by Morgan Freeman on the telly.

“This impressed everyone at your table because none of them has the Science Channel at home. Possibly they even bought you a drink or a bag of peanuts.

“But you never completed a PhD in Theoretical Physics because, basically, your brain is just not big enough.

“While gaining a C in A Level Maths is admittedly commendable, it was never going to be enough to admit you to an undergraduate physics degree – at least not at any university of note.

“For your information, people have to get one of these degrees before they can go on to study at postgraduate level.

“But do keep up the good work vis-a-vis telly. Professor Hawking will surely take your critical comments about his latest project with Go Compare on board.”



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Rihanna treats fans to internal organ snaps

POP singer Rihanna has treated fans to MRI scans of her internal organs.

Having exhausted the possibilities for revealing her external bodily features, the singer has posted detailed images of organs including her pancreas, gall bladder and small intestine.

Rihanna fan Roy Hobbs said: “Rihanna has got an amazing liver. Man, I’d hit that.

“And the way her spinal cord goes all the way from her medulla oblongata to her lumbar vertebrae is just so hot. Chris Brown is a lucky guy!

“So many stars these days are just self-obsessed publicity junkies, but with Rihanna it’s all about giving something back to the fans, in this case pictures of her kidneys and bile duct.”

Fellow fan Nikki Hollis said: “I wish I had a spleen like Rihanna’s. It’s so cute and I bet it metabolises haemoglobin really efficiently.”

The shoot took place at the Cedars-Sinai Hospital in Los Angeles, with celebrity photographer Annie Leibowitz supervising proceedings from a lead-lined cubicle.

Rihanna later tweeted: “Big shoutout 2 my intestines!!! Digestin some food right now!!! Thank you!!!

“Love 2 all the fans for amazingly kind comments about my bronchial tubes!!! Check out Instagram 4 pictures of phlegm!!!”

Rihanna’s pictures have sparked a trend for celebrity internal organ pictures, with Demi Moore currently planning a colonoscopy for Vanity Fair.