Parents working just to avoid their kids

THE high cost of child care means that most parents only work to avoid their kids, it has emerged.

With nursery schools now costing more than many people earn, parents of young children have admitted having jobs mainly so that they can spend their days with adults.

Father-of-three Tom Logan said: “I just give all my wages to something called Tiny Tots.

“I don’t actually know what ‘Tiny Tots’ does, it could be a pre-school version of the Hitler Youth to be honest.

“Anyway, if I didn’t do that I’d be at home covered in jam and faeces.”

Mother-of-two Emma Bradford said: “I’m working all the time so I rarely get to see my kids. Which is kind of the point.

“I don’t particularly like my office job, but it’s a damn sight more fun than trying to stop a pair of tiny, utterly ignorant humans from killing a cat.”

When asked what they actually did in return for their extortionate fees, nursery school teacher Mary Fisher said: “We deal with your kids.”



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I am the greatest thing of all time, says bacon

BACON has asserted that it is the greatest and all other food is its bitch.

As researchers linked bacon to a number of health problems including heart disease, bacon announced that it did not give a fuck.

Other foods cleared a respectful path as bacon slid out of the fridge to deliver its confident statement.

Bacon said: “Out of my way bitches, bacon’s coming through.

“You think you can replace bacon with chicken, fish or lentils. You cannot. You think a longer, healthier life without bacon is worth living. It is not.

“I am bacon. Smell bacon. Nothing else in the universe smells like that, your firstborn child’s head smells like shit by comparison. I’m incredible and I don’t even have to try.

“You go ahead and talk your talk, but you know, and I know, what’s going in the frying pan tomorrow. Here’s a clue – it’s not chicken.

“Bacon has spoken. You may go now.”