I will never give up, vows dog on 78th attempt to get stick through door

A DOG struggling to get a big stick through a front door will neither leave it outside nor change his strategy, he has confirmed.

Small brown dog Martin Bishop has tried several hundred times to fit the stick into a space that it is clearly much smaller than, with no success.

Bishop said: “My owner was annoying that I picked it up and kept muttering about how I was making him look like a twat during the walk back.

“But nothing makes me happier than taking a massive stick home. Why? I don’t know. It’s like me asking a human why they enjoy pointless things like Bargain Hunt or aftershave.

“I’ve hit a snag because of stick-to-door size ratio but I’m sure if I run at it head on with the stick clamped between my jaws enough times then it will magically pass through a foot of solid brick.

“I’m not giving up. This is the most important thing I’ve ever done.”

Owner Tom Booker said: “Hopefully he’ll just knock himself out cold and all this will be over.”

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Tory conference enters Guinness Book of Records for most bastards in one place

THE Conservative party conference has won a place in the Guinness Book of Records for fitting the largest number of total bastards into one location.

Officials have confirmed the 11,000 Tories at the International Convention Centre in Birmingham is the largest collection of absolute arseholes in a space that size.

A Guinness spokesman said: “They really made an effort. They’ve got every type of arsehole, from scheming ministers to horrible old couples from the shires who are still sad about the end of apartheid.”

Delegate Norman Steele said: “As a wealthy retiree whose life is a routine of lawn-mowing and petty boundary disputes, the highlight so far has been complaining about breakfast at my hotel because they wouldn’t let me have seven sausages.

“Besides that I just enjoy being with like-minded people who love Brexit and still describe women as ‘crumpet’.”