BRITAIN is in the grip of another heatwave, not that it will trouble bluff, no-nonsense Northerners. Here is their advice to the rest of the nation.
Use confusing Northern slang
Like all good regional slang, these should be totally unnecessary terms for things there are already less confusing words for. Don’t say you’re sweating profusely, say you are ‘mergling barrels’.
Keep your coat on in case it turns nippy
You never can tell when a prolonged July heatwave is going to turn freezing, so don’t go getting silly ideas like not wearing your big coat when it’s barely 30C out. If you must strip off like a brazen hussy, remove your scarf.
Have a pie and chips salad
We all gravitate towards lighter meals in hot weather. Take your pie, chips and mushy peas and toss them with crisp salad leaves and halved cherry tomatoes for a meal that’s summery, healthy and Northern. Dress with a Tizer vinaigrette.
Don’t make a fuss about heat-related illness
There’s nothing worse than some daft ‘apeth mithering on about a minor ailment like heatstroke. If you’re experiencing slurred speech, hallucinations and seizures, pull yourself together and suck on a Werther’s Original.
Avoid risky heatwave activities
A heatwave brings its own hazards. Avoid swimming in unfamiliar bodies of water, drinking too much alcohol in the sun and buying a fancy pizza oven. Your neighbours will think you’re getting ideas above your station and ostracise you. And rightly so, you la-di-dah ponce.
Refuse to make concessions to the sun
Northerners are proud of being impervious to the weather, and intense solar radiation is no different. Do not use sun cream or stay in the shade. When you are subsequently the colour of bacon, in excruciating pain and urgently need to go to hospital, insist you have merely ‘caught the sun a bit’.
Don’t leave your whippet in a hot ginnel
A ginnel can quickly become dangerously hot for a whippet. Be a responsible pet owner by checking on it frequently and ensuring it has plenty of Boddingtons to drink.
Repeat impenetrable Northern sayings
The more performatively Northern the better, for example: ‘Eeh, this ‘eat’s mekkin’ me mardier than a pig stuck in a seg-hole!’ Ideally you should sound as if you’re in some bleak TV drama about a Northern pit community, or better still, a Monty Python parody of one.
