Lambs disillusioned

MANY of this year’s lambs are being born jaded.

According to research by the Institute for Studies, 74% of newborn lambs feel ‘unexcited’ about spring.

One-week old lamb Julian Cook said: “You’re born, you process grass, you die.

“Spring? It is what it is. Personally I think the whole thing of having ‘seasons’ is a marketing ploy to get people buying different coats.

“I can’t relate to it at all.”

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “Lambs are far more hard-hearted than their reputation suggests.

“Contrary to popular belief, only one lamb in 20 partakes in skipping or gambolling, and while they do so the other members of the flock suck their teeth in disgust.”

Two-day old lamb Nikki Hollis said: “I’m just a by-product of agriculture, I had an ear tag before I could even walk properly.

“Already people bring their kids to look at me and point. What do they even want? I can’t give these people hope.

“Also, I find the notion of ‘cuteness’ vaguely pornographic.”



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Batman no longer that bothered when Robin dies

BATMAN will respond to the death of yet another Robin with a nonchalant shrug, it has emerged.

The ornithologically-themed sidekick dies for the umpteenth time next week, causing Batman mild annoyance and a strong sense of deja vu.

A DC spokesman said: “A Robin dies in pretty much every issue, so Batman never gets that attached to them any more, even though this one’s his son.

“His attitude is like ‘no biggie, plenty more Robins out there’. Then he rings up an orphanage.”