Tories beaten by 'perfect storm' of Huhne, Rennard and nutjobs

THE Tories admitted there was no way they could have won the Eastleigh by-election as their opponents were either mired in scandal or completely insane.

The party was beaten into third place after a brilliant Lib Dem strategy of getting a former cabinet minster convicted of obstruction of justice and then becoming bogged down in a tawdry sex scandal that threatens to topple its lame-duck leader.

The Tories had still hoped for a second place finish but were beaten on the doorstep by UKIP’s potent mix of paranoia and drivel.

Tory chairman Grant Shapps said: “I realised we were facing an almost impossible task when Chris Huhne was convicted of sustained and cynical abuse of the British justice system.

“I remained vaguely optimistic until Nick Clegg’s masterful handling of the Chris Rennard affair. If I lived in Eastleigh I’d have tried to vote Lib Dem twice.”

Shapps added: “What really took us by surprise was the way UKIP did not change a single thing about themselves at any point.

“If only we had known they’d just go around spouting obvious, unhinged nonsense about eastern European immigrants that only a three year-old child would believe. And even then you’d still have to promise them a KitKat.”

Meanwhile, Labour said it would learn lessons form its fourth place finish and that its next by-election candidate would be Gordon Brown.

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Febreze ads trigger hepatitis epidemic

ADVERTS for Febreze ‘fabric refresher’ have caused numerous cases of hepatitis, it has emerged.

The successful ad campaign takes unsuspecting participants off the street, who are blindfolded then encouraged to roll around in vile disused public toilets that have been scented by the product.

Volunteer, Helen Archer said “This outrageously happy guy ran up and bet me to guess his magical secret.

“The next thing I knew, I was blindfolded and face-down on a luxurious, velvet divan, clutching priceless Faberge eggs and burying my face in the sultan’s billowing silk kaftan.

“Someone asked me when i reckoned it’d last been washed and I said “today?”.

“When they took the blindfold off, I was lying on a pile of used condoms, the Faberge eggs were dead rats and the sultan was a drunk old woman with shit up the back of her cardigan.

“Since then I’ve been most unwell.”

The NHS are calling for a nationwide vaccination program to alleviate the strain the adverts are putting on their resources.

Febreze has since withdrawn its latest ad, which featured a Zumba class locked in a dockside storage unit containing an overflowing slop bucket and a severed foot.