London cut off by ice to be abandoned to its fate

THE city of London, which has been cut off from the rest of the country by the frozen M25, is to be abandoned to its fate. 

The UK has agreed that it is a terrible shame that the whole of London and its inhabitants, including our government, is trapped inside a frozen orbital motorway and will not last the week, but never mind.

Norman Steele of Northampton said: “I imagine by the end of the day they’ll have turned on each other. Looting, cannibalism, Michael Gove hunted down the frozen Thames by fur-clad hipsters wielding spears. Oh well.

“We can’t get food supplies in to them, or power, and since it’s us who makes all that stuff and them who just sit there and f**king have it, it looks like they’re pretty much f**ked.

“How will we survive without them condescending to us about food trends? Without their endless TV shows about them and their mates? Without paying £8.90 for a pint?

“I guess we’ll just have to manage. We’ll leave the city forever empty as a memorial to how wonderful they all were, while we all move on and learn to live without them.”

Londoner Julian Cook said: “Hello? It’s okay, the M25’s clear now, you can start bringing us all our stuff again? Hello? Why are you pretending you can’t hear me?”

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Going insane with excitement while panicking about your commute: five British reactions to the snow

SNOW is so rare and unprecedented in Britain that it sparks reactions of confusion, hysteria and wide-eyed excitement. Look out for these: 

Regressing to childhood

Even the most sober and mature Britons reconnect with their inner eight-year-old when snow falls and, crucially, sticks. They’ll have a Scroogian epiphany and rush out to build snowmen and speed downhill on sledges, until it melts and they revert to being dreary morose arseholes.

Panicking that you’ll never make it home

The meeting of snow and train strikes, which aren’t on but the trains are so f**ked they might as well be, triggers dread even though it isn’t even lunch yet and you live round the corner. Head home at noon and call in at your local, where you spend the afternoon sinking pints hoping you’ll get snowed in.

Going insane with excitement

Most countries on our latitude greet snow with a shrug, ie Scotland. Not England. At the first flurry we bolt into the streets naked to bellow our euphoria at the grey heavens for their blessing of ice crystals. If snow is forecast at or near Christmas we’re all so flooded with adrenalin we might die.

Going full doomsday prepper

Who knows how long the light dusting of snow that’s already thawing could last? Minutes? Hours? Maybe even two days? You’ve got no choice but to post an armed guard on the grit bin and raid Tesco for bread, milk and tinned foods. These resources could be a precious commodity in the distant future of tomorrow.

Aggressively not giving a f**k

Maybe it’s not snowing where you are. Or maybe you remember snow becoming a grey slush after a few hours, like last time. Either way, being committed to not giving a f**k about the snow is another classic British reaction. And sharing it to social media shows everyone how fiercely unbothered and intellectually superior you are.