Owners of massive open-plan Grand Designs-style house f**king freezing

A COUPLE in a wonderfully open-plan home with double-height ceilings and huge glass windows are freezing their bollocks off. 

Having spent £450,000 remodelling a 1950s bungalow into their modernist dream home, Tom and Nadine Booker have belatedly realised that underlit cupboards and a Shaker-style kitchen island are helpless to ward off frostbite.

Tom Booker said: “Radiators are ugly. We didn’t want them spoiling our views of the South Downs. But it turns out underfloor heating has its f**king limits.

“In a house that’s 70 per cent windows we can only see the views if we spend two hours mopping condensation off the glass, and even then it’s whiteness, fog, and locals walking their dogs laughing at us in our coats and hats and duvets.”

Nadine added: “Our bath’s carved from a single piece of marble. It costs £100 to fill and it never stops being cold to the touch, even when you’re in it. We also have an artisanal table made from reclaimed scaffolding boards. I think about burning it for warmth.

“What we really need is a series of small, cosy rooms with low ceilings, like the bungalow we knocked down to make this massive, f**k-off ice-cold aircraft hanger.

“Bollocks to this. We’re moving back into the caravan. It was warmer.”

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England: did they lose because a man failed to kick a ball into a goal?

DID England lose against France because a striker failed to score a penalty, or for some other reason? We investigate: 

Failings in the national character

Was England’s loss because we, as a nation, are predisposed toward losing? Because since we gave up our empire we’ve become afraid to win and ashamed of our achievements? Is it all, ultimately, the fault of anyone who opposed Brexit?

Likelihood: 58 per cent

Harry and Meghan’s Netflix documentary

How could our team represent their country while knowing it was being eviscerated on streaming services? How could any Englishman’s guts not be churning at Meghan’s mocking curtsey? How could Harry Kane score when he shares a name with a traitor?

Likelihood: 66 per cent

Being on ITV

There’s never anything good on ITV on Saturday nights, and England-France was no exception. Pressured to be as disappointing as The Jonathan Ross Show followed by highlights from the Championship, the team scaled down their performance accordingly.

Likelihood: 79 per cent

Being too woke

Taking the knee before every match? Being provocatively multi-racial? There’s none woker than the England team, and their pathetic obeisance to the liberal media meant they were afraid to erase France’s lived experience by winning. Pathetic.

Likelihood: 88 per cent

Not being woke enough

Harry Kane, as England captain, bravely planned to wear a non-specific rainbow OneLove armband before capitulating to FIFA at the first hint of a threat of repercussions. Did his own cowardice haunt him at the penalty spot and cause him to deliberately miss?

Likelihood: 93 per cent

Gareth Southgate setting a bad example

‘I missed a penalty,’ a mocking voice whispered in the ear of an England hero as he stepped up to the spot, ‘and I’m fine. I did a Pizza Hut advert and now I’m my country’s manager! Miss it, Harry! Think of your long-term career and miss it! For me!’

Likelihood: 97 per cent

The man not kicking the ball into the goal

Nothing to do with it. Frankly it’s childish to believe such a simplistic interpretation of events.

Likelihood: 0 per cent