A COUPLE in a wonderfully open-plan home with double-height ceilings and huge glass windows are freezing their bollocks off.
Having spent £450,000 remodelling a 1950s bungalow into their modernist dream home, Tom and Nadine Booker have belatedly realised that underlit cupboards and a Shaker-style kitchen island are helpless to ward off frostbite.
Tom Booker said: “Radiators are ugly. We didn’t want them spoiling our views of the South Downs. But it turns out underfloor heating has its f**king limits.
“In a house that’s 70 per cent windows we can only see the views if we spend two hours mopping condensation off the glass, and even then it’s whiteness, fog, and locals walking their dogs laughing at us in our coats and hats and duvets.”
Nadine added: “Our bath’s carved from a single piece of marble. It costs £100 to fill and it never stops being cold to the touch, even when you’re in it. We also have an artisanal table made from reclaimed scaffolding boards. I think about burning it for warmth.
“What we really need is a series of small, cosy rooms with low ceilings, like the bungalow we knocked down to make this massive, f**k-off ice-cold aircraft hanger.
“Bollocks to this. We’re moving back into the caravan. It was warmer.”
