A MAN with an underwhelming cock is making up for it by polluting the planet as much as he possibly can, he has confirmed.
Phallically-challenged Nathan Muir regularly makes unnecessary car journeys to places within walking distance and does not recycle plastic, believing it makes him incredibly macho.
Muir said: “Of course I eat meat for every meal, even breakfast, which is a right faff when I just want a coffee. Everyone knows that vegans are wimps and also all gay.
“And don’t even get me started on wankers who drive electric cars. I’d ram those f**kers off the road if I didn’t risk damaging my brand new SUV, which is perfect for navigating a city full of narrow roads and parking on the pavement.
“Ultimately I’d like to have kids, as that’s the easiest way to carry my carbon footprint on through endless generations, plus it will prove to the world that I do have a functioning penis, even though it’s on the small side.
“The whole point is leaving the biggest and most irreversible impact possible. I want my own flesh and blood basking in 50 degree British summer heat and participating in food riots.
“Procreation is the purpose of life, even if that life is miserable and short because I wanted to go on five foreign holidays a year.”
