Man compensating for tiny penis with massive carbon footprint

A MAN with an underwhelming cock is making up for it by polluting the planet as much as he possibly can, he has confirmed.

Phallically-challenged Nathan Muir regularly makes unnecessary car journeys to places within walking distance and does not recycle plastic, believing it makes him incredibly macho.

Muir said: “Of course I eat meat for every meal, even breakfast, which is a right faff when I just want a coffee. Everyone knows that vegans are wimps and also all gay.

“And don’t even get me started on wankers who drive electric cars. I’d ram those f**kers off the road if I didn’t risk damaging my brand new SUV, which is perfect for navigating a city full of narrow roads and parking on the pavement.

“Ultimately I’d like to have kids, as that’s the easiest way to carry my carbon footprint on through endless generations, plus it will prove to the world that I do have a functioning penis, even though it’s on the small side.

“The whole point is leaving the biggest and most irreversible impact possible. I want my own flesh and blood basking in 50 degree British summer heat and participating in food riots.

“Procreation is the purpose of life, even if that life is miserable and short because I wanted to go on five foreign holidays a year.”

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Bee hotel receives scathing Tripadvisor review

A BEE hotel hanging from a tree at the bottom of a garden has received a brutal review on Tripadvisor, it has emerged.

The hotel, which was described as a ‘boutique rustic rural getaway’, was found to be just a few bits of bamboo glued together in a vague house shape, swinging from a branch next to the Booker family’s vegetable patch.

The review left by a group of bees who visited for a special birthday said: “We expected a luxury experience, given that we’re saving humanity by pollinating most of their food crops. However the service was nonexistent, the shower was cold and the towels weren’t fluffy.

“It was incredibly noisy all night. We could hear a pair of foxes fornicating just outside, and a group of cats spent the night howling at each other in the street. None of us got any sleep.

“On top of that, it obviously hadn’t been cleaned lately, the view from the room was rubbish and there was a real whiff coming from the compost bin which was positioned very close by. Avoid at all costs.”

A spokesperson for the Booker family said: “We’ve had lots of trouble with fake reviews. It was probably wasps again.”