Man forced to do half-arsed job at home due to Storm Ciarán

AN office worker has been forced to lazily send just two emails from home today due to Storm Ciarán.

Martin Bishop has been told not to come into the office today due to the dangerous weather, meaning he has no alternative but to do the bare minimum from the comfort of his sofa instead.

He said: “Usually I’d have slouched into work half an hour late by now, ready for a busy day of idly switching between tabs and taking 20-minute loo breaks. But thanks to the wind I have to work with Homes Under the Hammer on in the background.

“I’ll try and get started by aimlessly scrolling through my inbox, then I’ll treat myself to a well-earned break for a couple of hours before doing the washing-up. Hopefully that should see me through until lunch.

“This afternoon I’ve got a meeting, but so long as I move my mouse every few minutes I can get away with doing something else like having a wank. At five to five I’ll hastily rattle off a couple of emails, then it’s quitting time.

“I’d be slightly more productive if I was in the office, but this blasted weather really has put me in a corner. God forbid it lasts until tomorrow and I essentially get a four-day weekend. I don’t think I could cope.”

Bishop’s boss Nikki Hollis said: “Why doesn’t he just pull a sickie like the rest of us? Amateur.”

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Red Arrows drew dick pics in sky

THE Red Arrows display team harassed women by drawing enormous representations of their penises across the sky, an investigation has found.

The RAF’s aerobatic team had a toxic culture which preyed on women using Hawk fast jets to create smoke sketches of their own genitalia more than 800 yards long in red, blue and vivid white.

Wing commander Denys Finch Hatton said: “For a woman walking through an airbase to hear the wolf-whistle of jet engines and turn to see a colossal member pointed at her from the very heavens is indefensible.

“The supreme flying skill required to create such a display, from the balls to the shaft to the triumphant final three-plane ejaculation, is irrelevant. These pilots have perverted their gifts.

“And at a cost of roughly £300,000 per pud in fuel and flight time, it’s an insult to the taxpayer as well.

“I reject the claim the men involved were ‘not sexist’ because ‘sometimes they drew big pairs of tits as well’ as mere sophistry.”

A Red Arrows pilot said: “But no girls will go out with us.”