Michael Gove's guide to running a post-Brexit farm

GOOD morning, I’m Michael Gove, and as you’d expect I know everything about agriculture.

Farming will be very different after Brexit, although I forgot to mention it before the vote. Here’s how to survive and prosper after leaving the EU.

Grow new crops

I’m no expert – thank goodness! – but I’d recommend a crop of triffids, known for their high-quality oil. Just remember to wear goggles and for Christ’s sake shut that gate.

Look forward to your exciting new subsidies

Replacing CAP subsidies shouldn’t be a problem with my colleagues who are rabid free market loonies because after Brexit we’ll be rolling in cash. Also you can count on the Conservatives to get the money paid efficiently and on time.

Sell more food to Britain

Farm exports to the EU could be disrupted for a while, so just sell more food to your notoriously vegetable-loving fellow Britons. Nettles, abundant in the UK, are perfect for soup, tea and zingly nettle crisps.

Consider diversifying

Why stick with boring old cows and chickens now we’ve gone global? Try raising haggises, the tiny, hairy offal creatures much sought after north of the border, or flood your fields and begin farming lampreys. Mmmm, lampreys.

Find other uses for your land 

Crop rotation doesn’t have to end with cereal crops. Why not, every fourth year, use the top paddock for a high-tech manufacturing facility making TVs and smartphones?

Replace Eastern European workers with ‘Pick your own turnips’ signs

As a child I loved picking my own strawberries, often managing as many as six before getting bored. Make up for departing EU workers by allowing families to pick a lovely sack of muddy turnips for tea, and trusting in their post-Brexit honesty for payment.

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Pizza delivery guys sick of being used for sex

PIZZA delivery drivers have declared they are sick of being used for sex by randy housewives.

The beleaguered food service workers have complained that frequent intercourse with bored, voluptuous women is costing them time and money as the relentless carnal demands lead to fewer deliveries per shift.

Pizza delivery man Roy Hobbs said: “In addition, the constant shagging reinforces the stereotype of pizza delivery men as nothing more than love machines.

“I’m a complex and interesting person who loves Japanese art and is learning how to play the clarinet.”

He added: “The lustful, stay-at-home women of the UK need to take our job seriously and stop treating us like pieces of succulent chorizo.

“I didn’t buy a moped and do a certificate in food safety just to become the plaything of a ravenous she-devil.”