Milton Keynes and other places to recommend as 'charming' to American tourists

AMERICANS picture Britain as swinging London and quaint little thatched villages. Direct them to these hidden gems and see how they f**king like it:

Luton

Position Luton as being to London what Boston is to New York and send Yanks there to enjoy the litter, the air pollution, the position on a flightpath, the town equivalent of a plain ham and no mayo meal deal sandwich. Let them see the misery of ordinary British lives through drizzle. The real us.

Merthyr Tydfil

Americans already lap up Scottish shit due to Braveheart, so trick them into the depths of Wales to a harbour mentioned in Shakespeare. Promise dragons, legends, and wild Welshmen rapt in song, and instead they’ll witness the glories of post-Thatcher deprivation.

Milton Keynes

Modern. Ground-breaking. Futuristic. Technically unique, if only in its soullessness. These are words you could use to describe Milton Keynes if you were being held by its mayor at gunpoint. A labyrinth of roundabouts and concealed pedestrian walkways Californians will never escape.

Blackpool

No UK holiday would be complete without a trip to the coast. Tell our English-speaking cousins – accurately – that Blackpool is the quintessential seaside town with piers, illuminations and a famous golf course. They’ll love the boarded-up town of heroin addiction and men fighting seagulls for chips they discover.

Stoke-on-Trent

It sounds quaint because of its hyphenated name, so why not upsell the city that the Midlands and North-West each try to blame the other for? It might not have Cotswold charm but it’s technically on a river in a place that ends in ‘shire’ so it might as well be Beatrix f**king Potter’s house.

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How to remain cool while being ID'd for porn: a Gen X dad explains

AGE restrictions for online porn are coming in, so we must look to the wisdom of the elders. Top-shelf buyer Martin Bishop explains his ancient art:

Act natural

Porn is only as awkward as you make it. By pretending nothing could be more normal than confirming your age to watch a milf destroy her stepson’s cock (uncensored), the ordeal will be over before you know it. Only the shame will hang around for decades.

Check the coast is clear

Back in the day you’d linger around the magazine rack until everyone buggered off before grabbing a copy of Big Ones. But the internet is everywhere, so you need to be more vigilant. Check you’re not logged into Facebook or Instagram so no algorithms know about your depravity.

Bundle it with other purchases

Camouflage your porn by purchasing other items at the same time. If you order a bottle of wine from the Tesco website first, maybe the internet will remember you’re old enough when you head over to Pornhub so you can sidestep the humiliation of getting ID’d for nudey films altogether.

Don’t make eye contact

I still remember the judgement on the newsagent’s face as I handed her my ID and a stack of bliff mags with Raw Bubble Butts on top. I see it when I close my eyes at night. Avoid a similar fate by covering your laptop’s webcam with tape, like Mark Zuckerberg does for the same reason.

Use fake ID

In this age of data hacks you’d be a fool to hand over your real name to watch fake-tanned women listlessly shag each other. Ask local teenage dealers for a fake ID, set up an offshore bank account, and use that as proof of age. You might be breaking international banking law but it’s that or your mum finding out.

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