THE Summer and Winter Olympics are pretty similar, except one is running and jumping and throwing and the other is a wasteland of frozen deathtraps. You wouldn’t survive these:
Figure skating
What if, instead of studs, you put knives on your shoes, went out on ice, then flipped upside down? Then tried to land, in knife shoes, on f**king ice? You’d die and when people found out why they wouldn’t be sympathetic.
Ski jump
Going down that slope at that speed is already suicide. Launching yourself in the air? You deserve everything that’s coming to you, ie the ground, at speed.
Luge
You’ve enjoyed sledging, so going down an ice slide at 90 miles per hour will be just as much fun, yeah? Just check if you have the mental strength to get through watching it on TV first? Thought not.
Skeleton
As above, but going down the 90mph ice slide head-first. As warning, the thing you will shatter irreparably is in the title.
Ice Hockey
You wobbled your way around the rink, holding the side, last time a twat date made you go skating. Now picture yourself mid-ice but there’s a six-foot-infinity Canadian bastard jetting towards you, armed with a large stick and a small rock to fire at your teeth.
Biathlon
Also known as the Finnish Drive-By, this innocently-named sport combines the disciplines of skiing and shooting. Shooting bullets with a rifle while skiing. What could go f**king wrong?
Curling
When a Scottish daughter announces she wants to become a curler, her family holds a funeral for her that day. Thousands lose their lives to curling every year. But the adrenalin rush is so massive it’s worth it.
