The top seven Winter Olympic sports that would instantly kill you

THE Summer and Winter Olympics are pretty similar, except one is running and jumping and throwing and the other is a wasteland of frozen deathtraps. You wouldn’t survive these: 

Figure skating

What if, instead of studs, you put knives on your shoes, went out on ice, then flipped upside down? Then tried to land, in knife shoes, on f**king ice? You’d die and when people found out why they wouldn’t be sympathetic.

Ski jump

Going down that slope at that speed is already suicide. Launching yourself in the air? You deserve everything that’s coming to you, ie the ground, at speed.


You’ve enjoyed sledging, so going down an ice slide at 90 miles per hour will be just as much fun, yeah? Just check if you have the mental strength to get through watching it on TV first? Thought not.


As above, but going down the 90mph ice slide head-first. As warning, the thing you will shatter irreparably is in the title.

Ice Hockey

You wobbled your way around the rink, holding the side, last time a twat date made you go skating. Now picture yourself mid-ice but there’s a six-foot-infinity Canadian bastard jetting towards you, armed with a large stick and a small rock to fire at your teeth.


Also known as the Finnish Drive-By, this innocently-named sport combines the disciplines of skiing and shooting. Shooting bullets with a rifle while skiing. What could go f**king wrong?


When a Scottish daughter announces she wants to become a curler, her family holds a funeral for her that day. Thousands lose their lives to curling every year. But the adrenalin rush is so massive it’s worth it.

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Dear Donna: Should I send my work crush a Valentine's card even though he's married?

MY boss is the dreamiest man alive. He’s got a high-powered job, he’s the life and soul of every party and recently I seem to always be by his side.

I just adore him. When people ask me about him I stammer and change the subject. But he’s recently married with two small children, seven years younger than me and in a spot of hot water at work.

I’m a romantic at heart, especially when it comes to poor Irish girls and the lord of the manor. I know he’s taken but I’ve heard rumours he’s willing to overlook it. Should I press my ardour with a card?

Enid, member for mid-Bedfordshire


Dear Enid,

It’s clear you’re head over heels for this guy. And yes, he sounds charming, virile, playful and powerful. But do the two of you have a future?

Your fantasy life with him might not translate into reality. You might dream of eloping to a Caribbean beach, ruffling his hair and sipping cocktails and nibbling canapes together, perhaps rather more cocktails than canapes in your case.

But with all his children and debts, you’d more likely be necking cheap red wine in your back garden. And it concerns me that you say everyone thinks he’s a bellend and there’s only you and a lone Edwardian left by his side.

Take off your rose-tinted glasses and see what the country’s seeing. Would you still be as infatuated with him if he were suddenly, ie within the next four months certainly, redundant?

I’d avoid sending a Valentine. You risk coming across as a dangerously unhinged old bat throwing herself at a younger man in a desperate attempt to give your life meaning. It won’t end well.