Mob chases Keir Starmer in misguided belief 'he can fix it for them'

THE mob that chased Keir Starmer yesterday believe he has inherited the powers of Jimmy Savile and can ‘fix it’ for them to do whatever they want. 

The Labour leader fled down Victoria Embankment away from the baying crowd, who refused to let him escape until he had fulfilled the requests they made in childish letters written 40 years earlier.

Steve Malley, aged 49, said: “Savile was a bad man. I know that now. But that doesn’t mean our dreams should go unrealised.

“When Starmer got Savile acquitted in court, which I remember happened now Boris said, he handed on his fixing-it powers to him as a gift. Starmer can fix it for me to meet Suzi Quatro. And he must.”

Fellow angry mob member Joanna Kramer said: “We all have different requests. I wanted to stand on the top of the Post Office Tower. Darryl wanted to do zero-gravity BMX tricks. Carl wanted to tap-dance with the Roly-Polys. Piers wanted to control the weather.

“Why should we live our lives unfulfilled and disappointed when, with a click of his fingers from his magic chair, Starmer could fix it for us and we could have our medals and everything?”

Boris Johnson said: “Keir Starmer cannot ‘fix it’ for anyone. That is specious nonsense on stilts and I apologise profoundly if I gave that impression.

“I, however, can.”

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Kirstie Allsopp's property diary: building a dream home up my own arse

YOUNG people can afford houses in areas that are cheap and undiscovered, as I plan to prove by building a three-bed family home for £120,000. Location? My anus. 

4th Nov

Foundations finished so work begins on the walls. It’s strange and uncomfortable building a house up your bum – not to mention noisy! – but if it gets you on the property ladder, worth it. Sadly it’s a compromise young people are unwilling to make.

21st Nov

Slight panic: I’d completely forgotten about the lack of natural sunlight and a retractable canopy in my buttocks isn’t an option. Architect comes to the rescue by creating a clever reflecting lightwell through the sphincter. There are always solutions.

9th Dec 

Inspected the building work by getting my head right up there. All on schedule, but I have to say the aroma of shit is pretty pervasive. The estate agent will have to make clear this is a working arsehole. It’s only like living next to a farm, and it shouldn’t affect the asking price.

19th Dec

Electricians making good progress with the wiring. I’ll admit the house doesn’t have the best views, because all you can see is my rectal walls. We’re going to jolly those up with a fun render and terracotta paint. It’ll be like the Mediterranean.

23rd Jan

Mixer taps installed and ensuite bathroom almost done. This really will be a lovely little home, except when I’ve been eating rich food.

29th Jan

Almost time to put the property on the market. Well within reach of a young couple earning £25k each a year who live frugally and don’t subscribe to Netflix. I’m not just maximising profit from my anal real estate. I’m helping society.

31st Jan 

HOUSE FINISHED! Cracked open the bubbly. Four viewings arranged. We’ll get a buyer. This is Britain. If you’re not obsessed with buying a house you’re a weird pervert, like those men who do it with dolls.

4th Feb

Two young couples viewed the house today. The first have been living with their parents for eight years, saving every penny for a deposit. But I’m going to sell it to the second couple as a buy-to-let because they’re paying cash. In the end, I’ve got to do what’s best for my arse.