Six pick-up lines to guarantee you'll be wanking alone by midnight

LOOKING to get lucky? Hoping you can do it by learning a few scripted lines, like a call-centre customer adviser of love? 

‘Get your coat, you’ve pulled’

A classic for a reason. Not only do you come across as an arrogant twat, you also want to dispense with conversation or buying drinks or foreplay and get straight to the wildly disappointing sex. Does often end up with the target getting their coat to go somewhere you aren’t.

‘Feel my shirt, that’s boyfriend material’

As useless as it is confusing. Are you saying that your shirt itself should become this person’s sexual partner? And if some poor soul actually follows through on your request and realises that ‘boyfriend material’ is sweat-soaked polyester, is that likely to work?

‘Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?’

The suppositions here are first, there’s heaven. Second, that an actual, apparently sexy, angel crashed down to earth and decided to head to a club night in Dorking called VaporBlast to drink WKD. Theologically it’s tricky. Practically it’ll get you told to f**k off.

‘There’s something wrong with my phone, it doesn’t have your number’

Trying to get a phone number before getting a name is kind of a dead giveaway as to your stalker intentions. You may well get a number. Enjoy spending a fortnight sending sexually aggressive misspelled texts to a fried chicken restaurant in Ealing.

‘You have 206 bones in your body. Fancy making it 207?’ 

Grossly anatomical and a 1970s sitcom innuendo leaves your paramour with no doubt as to your intentions of full penetrative intercourse. Will spark their imagination, as they fantasise about ripping out your spine and holding it aloft on the dancefloor.

‘The gun show’s in town’ 

Absolute, all-encompassing narcissism always sparks love. And in this case, as you flex your arms, the lady will be in no doubt that your one true passion is for yourself. Gracefully she will withdraw, leaving you to employ those kissable biceps in tugging yourself off at home.

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Eyelashes and other shit that people adorn their cars with

PERSONALISING your car is a brilliant way of warning other road users there’s a twat about so keep a good distance. Any of these work: 


Cars are subtly anthropomorphised by design, or why not three headlights? The addition of eyelashes to headlights only makes your car resemble Betty Boop. If that’s what you’re into why not add a curly black wig to the roof and dangle gold hoops from the wing mirrors?


Whether it’s a grammatically offensive ‘Mums taxi’, an over-informative ‘I heart dogging’, or a hilariously irreverent ’Jesus is my airbag’, stickers on your car make other drivers hate you. No joke is funny when you’re trapped behind it on the M6 for three hours.

Aerial toppers

Car aerials are thin, discreet, and largely vestigal. So why not stick Mickey Mouse, a bee or a Hello Kitty on the end? Why not cover the doors in fridge magnets and really make a twee pensioner kitchen out of it?

Flags or antlers

A seasonal affectation that works both ways: either keep your car windows mostly closed in the height of summer to hold little England flags, or keep them not-quite-closed in winter to hold little reindeer antlers. Boiling or freezing, you suffer and other road users are glad.

Teddy on the grill

Strapping a cuddly teddy to the grill of a massive truck might sound cute, but when the 40-ton behemoth is hurtling down the motorway, it looks f**king sadistic. At some point this has been the last thing someone saw before dying. That’s just statistics.