Tom Cruise as six-foot-five Jack Reacher, and other piss-awful casting choices

EVER watched a film and thought, wow, they really made a shit choice there? These actors look and sound f**k all like their characters: 

Tom Cruise as Jack Reacher

Jack Reacher is built like a brick shithouse. It is mentioned every other page. Few actors could play this broad-shouldered titan, so who did Hollywood choose? Tiny slip of a thing Tom Cruise, who bounced on Oprah’s sofa in a desperate attempt to be higher than her hair.

Kevin Costner in Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves

In the early 90s English male actors were basically extinct or only good for evil. So producers hired Californian Kevin Costner as a famous Nottingham outlaw and he compensated by not even attempting an accent. Robin of Loxley was Californian. Why not?

Ben Affleck in Batman v Superman

Playing Batman requires the versatility to portray a playboy billionaire and a compelling, driven detective. Ben Affleck scowled a lot and hit a tyre like the miserable bastard still not over J-Lo he turned out to be. Though he did convince you that Superman, or indeed anyone, would want to punch him.

Alicia Vikander in Tomb Raider

Fans were mocked for complaining that the actress hired to play Lara Croft was flat-chested. But Lara Croft is not a complex character. After raiding tombs and being an English aristocrat, having large polygonal boobs is pretty much it and therefore important. Shallow but true.

Russell Crowe in Les Miserables

One little-known attribute to look out for when casting a musical is that your actors should be able to f**king sing. You might get away with it in Mamma Mia! but one of literature’s great denouements is completely ruined by Crowe’s flat crooning.

Gary Oldman in Tiptoes

Able-bodied guys playing the disabled people is kind of awkward these days. So the comparatively recent and unfathomable casting choice of Oldman as a dwarf, achieved by him kneeling down, is one that will lock your face into a frown of disbelieving horror for weeks.

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I will reign with an iron fist, says Camilla

THE Duchess of Cornwall has vowed to rule the United Kingdom and the Commonwealth with an iron fist when she becomes Queen, it has emerged.

Camilla, who is was confirmed yesterday will be Queen Camilla, will introduce tyrannical measures including curfews, the end of free press and the abolition of parliament to come into force immediately she ascends to the throne,

She said: “Charles in charge? Please. I have played the long game, but my reign of terror will be brutal.

“I shall take the monarchy back to the blissful time when it could launch an armada on a whim. All men will be conscripted to battle for the crown and win back our Empire.

“Every home must salute a framed painting of me each morning. Anyone found with photos, souvenir supplements or mugs of his first wife will be shot. All those who bought Goodbye England’s Rose will be transported to the British Antarctic Territory.

“Public beheadings will make a comeback. I will be given countries for my birthday. I will rename the potato the Camilla nightshade.

“Children will whimper in their beds. Men will walk eyes downcast through silent streets. Women will slave under the yoke of my hairstyle. Birds will not fly. My black heart will replace the sun. All shall love me and despair.”

Subject Wayne Hayes of Tiverton said: “Now that’s traditional British values.”