Naive young grouse excited about 'grouse season'

JUVENILE grouse Tom Logan is eagerly anticipating the forthcoming ‘grouse season’.

As the grouse season begins, Logan, who is less than a year old, believes there will be a host of fun events of specialist interest to grouse.

He said: “There’s probably going to be a big exhibition called ‘Grouseworld’ with stalls selling delicious vegetation and insects, fairground rides and flying displays. It’s like a big celebration of grouse that goes on for months.

“There aren’t many species lucky enough to get their own season. I’m not even sure why we were singled out for it. I suppose everyone just likes grouse.”

Logan’s mother, Emma Bradford, a veteran of two grouse seasons, said: “Perhaps we should have been more honest with him.

“I remember when I first found out about the season. I was like, ‘what…the…fuck’. Things are never really the same after that, even throughout the rest of the year it’s hard to properly relax.”



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45-year-old salesman apologises for closing ceremony

WAYNE Hayes, a middle-aged sales executive from Carlisle, has expressed regrets about the Olympics closing ceremony beamed directly from his brain.

Hayes, who organisers deemed to be the most typical man in Britain, curated the ceremony via special electrodes attached to his head which fed details of everything he likes into a giant computer. This information was then transmitted into the Olympic Park in the form of incredibly lifelike holograms.

Hayes said: “I thought that everyone loves a bit of Annie Lennox and Oasis to get themselves in the party mood but judging by the four hundred thousand death threats on my Twitter feed this morning, apparently not.

“All I wanted was to recreate the brilliant spectacle of an early 1990s Brit Awards show and I tried to do that by free associating acts with the first words that came into my head, hence Fatboy Slim/octopus, and Annie Lennox/Viking boat.”

Many of the performances last night were clipped versions of well known songs, mainly because Hayes could not remember all of the words, and the only modern acts were the ones he last heard blasting out of his daughter’s bedroom.

Hayes’ wife has asked him to explain why he is so obsessed with Jessie J, a constant feature of the concert who remained in the corner of the viewers’ screen like somebody signing the program for the deaf had decided to abandon waving their hands about and start shouting along instead.

Other baffling performances included Kaiser Chiefs singing The Who, because Hayes remembered liking the group but couldn’t remember how any of their songs went, and a recreation of an Only Fools & Horse scene because he had their DVD on in the background at the time.

Hayes said: “This is just what music concerts look like in my mind, although admittedly the last one I actually went to was Travis at the Birmingham NEC in 1999.

“Oh, why didn’t I have Travis on instead of the Spice Girls? That’s a shame.”