Not enough snow expected

BRITAIN will get just enough snow today to make driving a nightmare, but not quite enough to go home early.

The snow, which will paralyse offices while everyone stares out the window and discusses the gradient of their driveway, will intensify from about 3.30pm, only looking seriously worrying by 4.45pm.

Meteorologist Susan Traherne said: “It’ll be a full-on blizzard by the time everyone’s leaving the car park, following in the tyre tracks of senior management who fucked off ages ago.

“The journey home will take a petrifying hour during which you will not be able to stop thinking about how your tyres are dangerously bald.

“Once everyone’s home the snow will really be coming down and you’ll go to bed planning a day working from home tomorrow.

“And when you get up in the morning it will all have melted.”

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Prodigy remix everything from the 1970s

THE Prodigy have delighted fans by remixing every piece of pop culture ephemera from the 1970s.

Richard Nixon and Ted Heath starred in ‘Herbie Rides Again’

The band’s new album includes a punk-influenced rave remix of everything ever recorded between the first of January 1970 and the last day of 1979.

Frontman Keith Flint said: “Everyone loved ‘Charly’, so the logical creative progression was a remix of the road safety awareness films starring Tufty the Squirrel.

“After that it just felt natural to put a jungle-influenced bassline on the 1978 Cinzano adverts featuring Joan Collins and Leonard Rossiter.

“We then realised there was still a wealth of untapped material from the 1970s, resulting in a dance remix of the Jackanory theme and a hard house version of the music from The Onedin Line.

“Of course it’s easy to rest on your laurels, so we took a more soulful, almost R&B approach to ‘For Mash Get Smash’, featuring the Smash robots.”

Music critics have applauded the new album, with the NME singling out the drum-and-bass version of the speeches of Ted Heath about the OPEC oil crisis.

Office worker Tom Logan said: “My girlfriend and I dropped a couple of white doves and it was like 1995, or possibly 1975, all over again.”