Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
On Tuesday you’ll be marking eight years of sobriety. It’s been spread over 25 years of piss-artistry, but still.
Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Judging by the smell in your train carriage on Monday, somebody’s office is having a ‘Bring a Full Laundry Basket to Work Day’.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
Since his promotion from head of Human Resources, the 70s kids TV star is known as Associate Director Pufnstuf these days.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
This weekend you’ll take the fact that Google auto-completes ‘Porn addiction’ before it gets to ‘Pornhub’ as some kind of personal slight.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
You often implore people to improve themselves by ‘cracking open a book once in a while’. That’s why everyone hates your guts.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
At a government meeting to decide what other things we can copy from France that don’t stop terrorism, you suggest ‘nationalised railways’ and ‘cheap wine’.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
Saturn enters your house this week, then sits himself down on your sofa and demands a bong.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
On Saturday you’ll have a furious argument in the supermarket over whether it was a £10 note or a £20 note but either way you get arrested for stealing from the till.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Why not celebrate record-low levels of interest this week? Or console yourself? I’m never really sure which it’s meant to be.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
While the Consumer Goods Act is perfectly clear on your statutory rights to demand a refund when items have been sold with a deliberately misleading description, I still feel that meeting in the squat you have booked with those four yardies is a bad idea.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Well, yes, I suppose a conspiracy orchestrated over many years by shadowy billionaire oligarchs MIGHT have been uncovered by somebody who lives in his mum’s spare room.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
‘Cos the players gonna play, play, play, play, play. And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate. Do you understand what nouns are now?