Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
On Tuesday you’ll be marking eight years of sobriety. It’s been spread over 25 years of piss-artistry, but still.
Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Judging by the smell in your train carriage on Monday, somebody’s office is having a ‘Bring a Full Laundry Basket to Work Day’.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
Since his promotion from head of Human Resources, the 70s kids TV star is known as Associate Director Pufnstuf these days.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
This weekend you’ll take the fact that Google auto-completes ‘Porn addiction’ before it gets to ‘Pornhub’ as some kind of personal slight.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
You often implore people to improve themselves by ‘cracking open a book once in a while’. That’s why everyone hates your guts.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
At a government meeting to decide what other things we can copy from France that don’t stop terrorism, you suggest ‘nationalised railways’ and ‘cheap wine’.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
Saturn enters your house this week, then sits himself down on your sofa and demands a bong.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
On Saturday you’ll have a furious argument in the supermarket over whether it was a £10 note or a £20 note but either way you get arrested for stealing from the till.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Why not celebrate record-low levels of interest this week? Or console yourself? I’m never really sure which it’s meant to be.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
While the Consumer Goods Act is perfectly clear on your statutory rights to demand a refund when items have been sold with a deliberately misleading description, I still feel that meeting in the squat you have booked with those four yardies is a bad idea.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Well, yes, I suppose a conspiracy orchestrated over many years by shadowy billionaire oligarchs MIGHT have been uncovered by somebody who lives in his mum’s spare room.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
‘Cos the players gonna play, play, play, play, play. And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate. Do you understand what nouns are now?


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Support for far-right at 20-year low if you don’t include really obvious things

SUPPORT for far-right politics in Britain is at a 20-year low if you do not include things like beliefs and ideas, researchers have found.

The Institute for Studies looked at voting patterns and membership of groups like the BNP and EDL and discovered that if that is all that matters then everything is absolutely spiffing.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “We found the BNP had shrunk to the point of insignificance and so the obvious conclusion is that they all died.

“But we ran that through the computer and discovered that such a high percentage of members from the same party all dying in such a short space of time was statistically unusual.

“So we then began our quest for the Lost Tribe of the BNP.”

He added: “We packed our bags, made sure we each had a large, warm hat and set off. Two minutes later we found them.

“They all vote UKIP now. Mystery solved.”