Organic Shoppers Rewarded With Right To Commit Evil

SHOPPERS are being offered the chance to use ethical purchases to 'offset' acts of unspeakable foulness.

The Eco-Path project aims to encourage consumers to shop sustainably in exchange for the legal right to indulge their darkest and most demented urges.

Shoppers will be granted an Eco-path 'offset certificate' allowing them to commit an evil deed, the depravity of which is linked to the amount they spend on organic vegetables and useless, vole-friendly washing up liquid.

The proposed tariff includes:

£5-£10: kick an indigenous amphibian or minor rodent

£10-£20: burn down a pensioner's shed

£20-£35: push a small child off a swing

£35-£75: moderate torture (waterboarding, genital electricity, ant-pants)

£75+: do a murder

A government spokesman said: "We're all keen to help save the world, provided we don't have to put ourselves out in any way whatsoever.

"Eco-Path encourages consumers to think about things like food miles, while simultaneously giving them an outlet for those atavistic urges that bubble beneath the surface of every one of us like a black, Satanic ooze."

Ethical shopper Nikki Hollis said: "When I go to Waitrose I like to buy the products bearing a picture of a smiling, ruddy-faced farmer in a cable knit jumper because I'm an amazing person.

"However I also want to drive my electric car back and forth over my neighbour's head, crushing it like an overripe melon. So this sounds ideal."


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Your Problems Solved, With Holly Harper

Dear Holly,
I am thinking of buying my girlfriend a sexy negligee to wear in bed. I have the suspicion that this might be more arousing to look at than her usual '2005 Race for Life' T-Shirt-and-Primark-sweatpants-combo. However, I don't want to upset her by buying anything too racy. Do you think something in black and red lace with nipple holes and a split-crotch gusset will strike the right chord of subtle femininity?

Dear Angus,
Whatever you buy your girlfriend, make sure you ask yourself this first: in the event of drowning, can the garment be removed swiftly and fashioned into a primitive life-preservation aid? If you don't take this into consideration, your girlfriend could end up like Wendy Mackenzie in swimming lessons last week, battling wildly against the wave machine in a Winnie-the-Pooh quilted nightie, with the rest of the class laughing and pointing at her from the edge of the pool.  Honestly, from the sounds of it, the item you are proposing is neither water-tight, nor buoyant, and so I'd maybe go back to the drawing board with this.
Hope that helps!