MILLIONS of Britons are descended from the bastard offspring of aristocrat-defiled domestic drudges, it was claimed yesterday.
According to new research, your potato scrubbing female ancestors were dishonoured by the dashing but amoral sons of the gentry who had nothing better to do at the time.
Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: "Basically your great-great-great nan was dragged into a stable and ravished, or traded her virtue for a boiled sweet.
"Or, being a bit simple, she was beguiled by promises she would become the 14th Lady Spatchcock despite being illiterate, slightly bow-legged and down to her last four teeth.
"After getting up the spout she would have been cast out of her job and her broom cupboard before giving birth in a hedgerow and throwing herself down a well."
He added: "Either way, you can be proud of your authentically blue-blooded ancestry, which will impress Americans, especially if you leave out the bit about the boiled sweet."
A spokesman for the National Trust said: "We hope this news will encourage people to visit Britain's stately homes, where your great-great-great grandmother could have lived in splendour if your great-great-great grandfather hadn't been a grade A piece of shit.
"And you can also have a nice cream tea and buy a book you didn't really want."