THE Countryside Alliance has called for the government to stop ‘waging war on the countryside’. Here they explain this secret war they never stop whining about:
You don’t support fox hunting
We can’t just shoot foxes or use humane cage traps. Doesn’t send the right message. No, these supernatural beasts can only be vanquished by a thrilling chase. Hunting is a wonderful sport, though so unequal it’s the equivalent of a boxing match between Tyson Fury and Helen Keller.
You think you’re allowed in the countryside
You townies insist on ‘walking’ across our fields with your Labradors, forcing farmers to disfigure nature with ugly footpaths and spoiling the view of our barbed wire. We wouldn’t put a milking machine in your living room, would we? No, because that’s a stupid analogy.
We do not enjoy the family farm tax
We have to pay inheritance tax like other people now, which we talk about as if it’s set at 90 per cent. It’s actually 20 per cent on assets over £2.5 million, over ten years, to stop it being used as a tax loophole. When will this relentless campaign of blind hatred stop?
You’re naive about how food is produced
You pampered urban ponces have no idea milk comes from cows, do you? You think it spontaneously pops into existence in Tesco Metro. And you think potatoes have got arms and legs and live in little huts. Christ, you’re such idiots.
Labour government is wrong
The fresh country air gives us political clarity, and therefore we know that no Labour government can be considered legitimate. We own land therefore decide what is permitted, and Labour governments must stop. This is nothing to do with a lot of us being reactionary Tory or Brexit types It’s because we love hedgerows.
We have a right to be farmers
Industries change and disappear, like mining, but farmers are different and we have a transcendent right to farm for a living down the generations however unprofitable it is. Subsidies are a moral imperative.
And foxes again, because we’re f**king obsessed
You soppy townies believe propaganda like Fantastic Mr Fox, and can’t understand the simple concept that foxes are wild animals who mass-murder chickens. You all want to hug and kiss them, despite being very familiar with urban foxes who are manky, feral bastards who scream like lunatics at 3am.
