Pandas already drunk

TWO giant pandas were very drunk within 15 minutes of arriving in Scotland, it has emerged.

'Would you prefer a vodka and lemonade?'

Tian Tian and Yang Guang are today sleeping off what experts predict will be the first of many hangovers in their purpose built enclosure.

The new stars of Edinburgh Zoo arrived at around 11am yesterday, in time for what local zoologists described as ‘a nice wee sharpener’.

Helen Archer, who was at the zoo with her two children, said: “Tian Tian wasn’t keen at first, saying they had been travelling for 26 hours and could really do with a nap.

“But the zookeeper was very insistent and kept saying ‘have a drink, c’mon have a drink’. It actually became rather menacing.

“Eventually they both said yes to a rum and coke and soon after that you could see the beginnings of a typical Sunday afternoon session.”

She added: “We went off to look at the famous hammered penguins and when we came back an hour later Tian Tian was in the middle of this horrible rant about ‘all they fuckin’ English pandas’.

“I don’t care for the foul language but still, they’re a nice distraction from the steady collapse of western society.”

Meanwhile, the zoo said it was also hoping the pair will become the first pandas in captivity to hate each other because of religion.