Pandas already drunk

TWO giant pandas were very drunk within 15 minutes of arriving in Scotland, it has emerged.

Tian Tian and Yang Guang are today sleeping off what experts predict will be the first of many hangovers in their purpose built enclosure.

The new stars of Edinburgh Zoo arrived at around 11am yesterday, in time for what local zoologists described as ‘a nice wee sharpener’.

Helen Archer, who was at the zoo with her two children, said: “Tian Tian wasn’t keen at first, saying they had been travelling for 26 hours and could really do with a nap.

“But the zookeeper was very insistent and kept saying ‘have a drink, c’mon have a drink’. It actually became rather menacing.

“Eventually they both said yes to a rum and coke and soon after that you could see the beginnings of a typical Sunday afternoon session.”

She added: “We went off to look at the famous hammered penguins and when we came back an hour later Tian Tian was in the middle of this horrible rant about ‘all they fuckin’ English pandas’.

“I don’t care for the foul language but still, they’re a nice distraction from the steady collapse of western society.”

Meanwhile, the zoo said it was also hoping the pair will become the first pandas in captivity to hate each other because of religion.


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Riots caused by police when they finally turned up

THE August riots were provoked by the people who were nowhere to be seen for the first two days, a study has found.

According to a major survey most rioters said that if it was not for the police not being there they would probably not have stolen quite so many things.

One rioter said: “It was only when the police eventually arrived and prevented me from stealing my ninth Wii in two days that I got very angry and decided to go home and pretend I had been watching television the whole time.”

Another rioter said: “It was like a war against thousands of invisible policeman. It was our chance to take back the streets where we hang around all day, frightening people.

“Also, I’m sick of having my knives confiscated.”

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “Given the study was carried out by the Guardian and the London School of Economics, it’s not exactly what we would call ‘scientific’. It’s more what we would call ‘an utter waste of time’.

“The Guardian thinks the rioters are all Robin Hood and that Carpetright is the Sheriff of Nottingham.

“Meanwhile the LSE was, until very recently, a subsidiary of Gaddafi and Sons and specialises in training people who will then spend the rest of their lives being wrong.

“It would have more credibility if it had been carried out by the cast of Hi-de-Hi.”