Pandas demand masking tape

KEEPERS at Edinburgh Zoo have received a series of alarming requests from the two giant pandas in its mating room.

After the second day without bumping furries, a ­scrawled note written in Chinese was pushed through the bars of the pandas’ cage demanding four sets of handcuffs, a box of poppers and something called a ‘Dutch Toast Rack’ which zoo staff have yet to identify.

Keeper Tom Logan said: “We never have this problem with the chimps – give them a four­ pack of lager and a rag to wipe themselves with afterwards and they’re good to go.

“But these pandas are simply not interested in conventional sex. Among their many colourful requests, they want us to move them into a new cage ‘in a murky basement’ with a harness and lube dispenser.”

Zoologists are now exploring the possibility that giant pandas face extinction because their sexual fetishes have evolved far in advance of their ability to enact them.

Panda expert Doctor Helen Archer said: “Life in the remote bamboo forests of China provides little scope for genital branding irons or nipple clamps.

“And even if they were housed in the basement of an Ann Summers, the pandas’ huge paws and bulky frames mean they’re ill­-equipped to manoeuvre themselves into a PVC gimp suit, assuming they could even find one that fits.”

With the likelihood of a successful mating between the pair diminishing, Edinburgh keepers intend to remove the covers from the cage in the hope that being watched gets them off.



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Easter 'celebrates human victory over aliens'

THE true story of Easter closely mirrors that of the Alien films, it has emerged.

As the mysterious large-egg-based festival begins, experts at the Institute for Studies have explained its weird symbolism.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “In the time of early man, a spaceship crashed into Earth. It was piloted by an alien with large floppy ears that died in the crash.

“Exploring the shattered ship with torches, the tribal humans discovered a cache of huge green, slime-oozing eggs. So the floppy-eared alien was the egg carrier, if you like.

“Remember back in those days men would eat pretty much anything, so they took the large oozing eggs and hid them under bushes for safe keeping.

“However the eggs hatched and large spidery parasites leapt out, attaching themselves to the faces of the humans.

“Many humans found they were impregnated, and soon worm-like creatures hatched from their stomachs, growing to be large armoured things with acid blood and an extra set of teeth set in a sort of penis in their heads.

“A great battle ensued, and the creatures were assailed with a barrage of rocks – round, almost bun-shaped rocks made the best weapons. These were typically warmed on a fire to make them fly faster.

“Good quality rocks were marked with an ‘x’ by the tribe’s rock-sorter, a toothless hag who was a sort of pre-historic armourer.

“After much bloodshed, the aliens were defeated. And that is the story of Easter.”

Professor Brubaker added: “The Easter story has been commemorated, albeit in much more contemporary settings, in the films Alien, Aliens and Alien vs Predator.

“Although the introduction of another race of beings with dreadlocks does seem like a cheap merchandising opportunity that ruins any sense of historical veracity.”